Anatomy of a Warrior
by Walking addict
Summary: Beth is taken and it is bad. But she survives and makes it without her family. But she can't stop thinking of Daryl, no matter how much time passes. This story is AU as far as Beth goes after she was taken in Alone. The rest of the group's story line is pretty much Canon. This is a eventual Bethyl story, but there will be other pairings as well.
1. Prelude

Prologue

Rick was busy in his office, planning crop rotations and discussing natural pest control with Marge, the woman in charge of farming in the Alexandria Safe Zone. They were just finishing up when Benji sauntered into the coolness that solar powered air con of the building still provided this time of the year.

"Good to see you again. We were starting to get worried, you were gone so long." Rick greeted the man in his deep southern drawl.

Benji was team leader of one of Rick's scavenging groups and they had been gone for over a month on a run. As medicines were starting to run really low almost 5 years after the world had gone to shits they had started looking in veterinary clinics. It had been Daryl's idea, remembering how that was what they had done when the sickness hit the prison. He said back then there had still been plenty of things on the shelves even after they had been there and maybe the situation would be similar at veterinary clinics and collages up here. Turned out he was right and in one of those clinics they had found a map showing all clinics and schools registered with that veterinary association. Benji and his team had left with the map to check some of them out. But Rick had never expected them to be gone as long as they had.

"Well, it was as if we were on this incredible luck run. We found so much stuff, hardly any walkers and we decided to just keep going as long as the going was good," he paused quickly before continuing, "Sarah and John are bringing it over to the medical center now so hopefully there will be lots of stuff they can use."

Rick hummed and made a mental note to head over there later on to check the haul out himself. But he would give the guys in medical enough time to take inventory of the things before he went over to bother them.

"I actually came to see you for another reason too. We did eventually run out of luck... and ran into quite a bit of trouble. Big bloody herd ambushed us down in northern Georgia, would have gotten us too if this other group hadn't saved our asses. Car broke down, we were low on ammo and John had hurt his ankle so running wasn't an option. But this group came along, they were good people, saved us even though they didn't have to. Never asked for nothing in return. They had a safe camp that they took us back to, helped fix John's foot up. Their place was good too, high walls, growing foods, keeping animals and doing well. Not as big as here, didn't have all the luxuries and advantages this place has but they were doing well. Funny thing was, before they let us come back with them they asked us these questions. Same three questions your group always uses."

Rick's eyebrows shot up at that, he had never come across anyone but them that used a safety system like that to determine if people were trustworthy.

"Exact same?" he asked Benji who just nodded.

"Yeah, I thought it odd, so I mentioned it to the young woman asking me the questions. She was one of the founding council members of this place. She first thought it odd too. But she reckons she knows you guys and has come back her with me. She and her "best friend", though if you ask me they are more than just buddies" Benji finished the last statement with a cheeky grin that totally lacked in malice. He was a joker, quick to poke fun and make a joke but he was a good guy through and through without any judgments for those sort of things. The world didn't have any space left over for silly bigotry ideas, anyway people could find and grab some happiness was fine by him. His last statement did throw Rick though, as he had no idea of anyone who could fit the description Benji had just given.

"She's sure she knows us?" Benji just nodded.

"From where?"

"Well, she wanted it to be a surprise when she sees you, so she has sworn me to a certain level of secrecy. And since entertainment is pretty rare nowadays I agreed. The puzzled look on your face right now is totally making it worth it." he finished with a big ass grin. "She is down at the gates, refusing to disarm until she has spoken to you."

"Alright, let's go and see who this mysterious lady might be then..." Rick wasn't sure whether he was feeling irritated or excited by the secrecy but he guessed he should be happy. Whoever this person was, it was rare to be reunited with old friends in this world. He nodded his head in acknowledgment to people as they greeted him on the street. Alexandria was becoming quite the bustling little community now. Since the trouble with Negan and his Saviors over two years ago all had been quite and the community had been allowed to grow and blossom. It gave Rick hope for the future, for the future of his children. Even if it would never be as before, maybe it could still be good.

As he neared the gates he could see two women at the base of the guard tower speaking to Jane, the last member of Benji's team. There was a tall, slender but strong looking woman with a certain grace to her stance, dark hair and a fair complexion. Rick was immediately sure he had never seen her before. She must be the friend Benji had spoken of. The other woman had her back to him and even though there was something familiar about the petite blond he could not place her. She wore high rising combat boots and tight fitting pants. He could make out the handle of a knife sticking out of one of her boots and she had a revolver on each hip. He could see a light colored top with a dark green leather vest over it. On her back she had two short swords mounted that made him think of the teenage mutant ninja turtles. Her hands and forearms were wrapped with bands of fabric in a similar way to how fighters used boxing tejp. He guessed it would provide protection against bites from walkers as well as protect her skin in a fist fight. Her light blond hair was pulled up in a high bun that was secured with some sort of hair sticks. The way she held herself made it clear that she was a fighter, she looked strong, confident and ready. At the sound of their footsteps coming closer she turned around and Rick thought for a second that he was going crazy. Her face had lost the roundness it had first held when Rick meet her on the farm. It had the angles of a grown woman now and all traces of innocence were gone from her face but the eyes held the same kindness that he remembered. This warrior woman wore Beth Greene's face!


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Warnings, this chapter is very dark and violent. Rated M for sexual violence, rape, torture and violence. It is not too graphic, mostly things are implied or refereed to but be warned that things get dark.**

 **As usual, I own nothing but my OC characters, the rest is all the wonderful and twisted universe of The Walking Dead.**

Chapter 1

The air was damp and smelled of mold. It was cold and miserable and Beth was shaking in her thin tank top and shorts. She tried to pull the dirty blanket closer around her to get warmer but it was pretty futile. It felt like the cold has seeped through her from the outside in and now even her soul was freezing. She sat on a thin foam mattress and was chained to piping in the wall. One pair of handcuffs for her left wrist and one for her left ankle. It made it possible for her to sit up, lie dawn, eat and shuffle over enough to use the bucket next to her mattress that serves as her toilet. It allowed her that, but not much more. The metal of the handcuffs had already started to rub her skin raw and she was bleeding in a few places. Two other young women were held in the basement with her. It was all concrete and windowless misery. Only way out was up a set of wooden stairs and through a door that was always kept locked. Except for when they came… And nothing good ever came from that door unlocking, and even less good came from walking up those stairs. Because it was not a walk to freedom, it was a walk to torture and humiliation and hell.

It had been here over a month now since she first opened her eyes to this bleak reality and she was still scared and probably a bit in shock. She had cried more tears than she had ever thought was possible, she should have run out of tears by now but they just kept coming. 'I don't cry anymore' she had once told Daryl. Well, hadn't that been a big fat lie. But then she had still had family around her, she had still been protected by people who cared about her. She had felt jaded and thought herself immune to the rough pain of true loss. She thought about the girl she had been on the farm, about how she had tried to kill herself after the barn. It had been in a moment of weakness before she realized how much she still had to live for. Now she didn't even have the option of suicide left to her… But what was worse than the tears was that she was losing hope. At first she had expected Daryl to break through that door at any moment and save her. But as day became night, and then day again without Daryl coming for her, Beth started realize that no one was going to rescue her. That she was stuck here, in this living hell, and that this was how it would be until she was killed. Only way that would change was if she changed it herself. But she didn't know how and that brought a fresh set of tears to roll down her cheeks. Beth had tried to fight back, she had tried to break free, to kick and bite but her strength was not a physical strength. After the turn her strength had become her ability to see something positive in everything, her refusal to give up, and her ability to always keep a small beacon of hope alive. That had been what she had been able to offer the others, what she had been able to offer Daryl in exchange for all the things he did for her. But that kind of strength was of no use now. What they wanted from her here had nothing to do with her soul. And she could feel it slowly erode her hope away, every physical assault felt like an assault on her soul.

"Would you still love me now daddy", she whispered to herself. But she knew he would have, he would have never turned from her for something someone else had done to her. That had not been the kind of man Herschel had been. But she had to keep reminding herself of that fact as every day she felt filthier, dirtier and less and less herself. Too mentally exhausted to stay awake with her own thoughts she laid down and closed her eyes, willing her mind to take her somewhere else. Somewhere where she had felt safe. For reasons both embarrassingly obvious and completely confusing it was the mixed smells of leather, cigarettes and forest that first came to her mind and lulled her into a dreamless sleep.

A loud bang from upstairs woke her abruptly. Load voices, heavy footsteps and things being dropped onto the floor above her head followed. There was laughing and cheering and suddenly music started playing. WTF, they are having a party, Beth realized. Something as simple and basic as having a party now seemed odder than the idea of the dead come back to life to eat you. The noise from upstairs went on for a while and Beth wondered that no one seemed to worry about attracting walkers. She had no idea of what kind of protection they had around the house but considering the amount of noise they were making she assumed it must be good. The sound of keys jingling in the door got her shrinking back against the wall in fear. Down the stairs comes Nick and three of his lackeys and its immediately obvious that they are drunk and probably high as well. Nick comes over to her and squats down in front of her. She can see leftovers of some kind of white powder in his nostrils and his pupils are massive. He gently cups her face in his hands and gives her a gentle kiss.

'Don't worry sweetheart, we are not here for you.' He says with a little smile, 'I would never share you with these animals, you are all mine'. He kisses her again and strokes her hair as if she was his beloved pet. And maybe the analogy is not so wrong, that is how he treats her. As a beloved belonging, his to take care of or abuse according to his moods.

He turns away from her and faces the girl sitting on the other side of the room. She has got fiery red hair that Beth can imagine used to be beautiful once upon a time. Now it falls in long dreads and knots around a pretty heart shaped face but her green eyes hold nothing sweet in them. There is only hatred and pain reflected out of them.

'Come on Sonja, we were thinking of having some group entertainment and it is more fun if there is still some fight left in the subject. So you are the only one here that will do! Feel yourself honored that I think so highly of you, my wildcat' He has squatted down in front of the other woman and as his face comes level with hers Sonja spits him straight in the face. He slowly wipes it off as he laughs a bit, as if to himself. Then he violently backhands her so hard that Sonja's head ricochets back and hits the wall with a bang.

'Easy boss, don't want to knock her out already, no fun if she is unconscious!' one of the other guys say. Beth doesn't know his name as she has the questionable luck of being Nick's favorite and kept only for his use. Nick is the leader and a charismatic young man in his late 20s with movie star good looks. Things may not have been so bad, had it not been for the fact that he was also a sadistic psychopath with a taste for cat and mouse games that had Beth shiver with uncertainty and fear, never knowing what to expect from him. They take Sonja and drag her kicking and screaming up the stairs. As the door slams shut the sudden muffling of sounds and the relative silence in the basement feels odd. Beth feels shame at the relief she feels, that she has been left down here, that it was not her they came for. She looks over to the corner and briefly meets the dark brown eyes of the pale skinny girl that lies chained there. But the look is short lived as they both look away. Things are too bad for there to be any comfort taken in shared misery, they only serve as visual reminders to each other of the horror they have found themselves in.

As the sounds from upstairs, of laughing men and a woman screaming in pain, just goes on and on and on, Beth feels something shift inside of her. So far she has felt fear, loathing, shame, pain and despair. She has struggled to stay hopeful and to keep the memory of love and kindness alive. But now a new feeling grows inside of her, one she has truly never really felt before. It is hate. Hate for those up there, hate for who they are, what they do and that they find pleasure in it. It is a hate that chill's her to the bone and makes the fear more bearable. A hate that fills her up and takes away the hollow emptiness inside. When the key opens the door ones again she doesn't shrink back against the wall though she desperately wishes she had a weapon of some sort. She know the man comes walking down the steps. His name is Wayne and he is Nick's second in command. He has always been nice to her, snuck her some extra food at times or cleaned her wounds when Nick has been too rough. It is clear that he is wasted as he comes over to her. High on a mixture of cocaine or meth and alcohol Beth assumes. He is neither nice nor gentle as he roughly pushes her down on all four and pulls her shorts down to her knees. He spits at his hand and rubs it between her legs to make her wet but it stills burns like razorblades as he starts to push into her. She is dry and sore and he is so careless that she cries out in pain with every push. She tries to distance herself from what is happening by focusing on other things around her. She follows the patterns on the cloth covering her dirty foam mattress. It takes a moment before she realizes what it is she sees. He has left his knife in its sheath and now it is resting on the mattress next to her knee. For a couple of heartbeats she just hangs her head and stares at the knife without comprehending that her prayer for a weapon has been answered. God helps those who help themselves, she thinks with a black sense of humour. Slowly, so as not to draw attention to what she is doing, she reaches her right hand down along her body until her hand closes around the handle of the knife. Her care is unnecessary as Wayne is mumbling to himself about Nick being a greedy bastard to keep her to himself. She closes her eyes and takes one deep steadying breath as she prays to God to forgive her and guide her hand true. She then pushes herself up to half standing and turns backwards as far as she can. She uses the power of momentum and uses it to drive the knife to the hilt into his neck. She frees herself from his grip and turns around. She starts to panic as the handcuffs makes turning hard and she sees Wayne's eyes widen in shock and his mouth open as if to scream. She pulls desperately at the knife, terrified that he will yell out or fight back. She finally gets it loose and starts to stab him over and over until all she sees is red and her hands start to lose their grip on the knife in the slippery wetness. She forces herself to calm down and take a deep breath and slowly her sanity comes back. Wayne is definitely dead, at least for now, and she is covered in blood. She searches for the keys and after some terrifying moments of no luck she finally finds them in his back pocket. She unlocks the cuffs and pushes away from the body in disgust. She pulls her shorts back up and tries to wipe the worst of the blood of her with her blanket. What now, she thinks, what on earth do I do now? She turns to the girl in the corner. Even though they have been roommates for over a month they have never exchanged a single sentence. Beth tried to talk to her in the beginning but soon gave up as she realized there really wasn't anything to be said. Now she walks over to the girl, looking at the girls face for any clue as to what she is thinking. She sinks down next to her and unlocks the girl's cuffs. She has been here a long time Beth thinks, as she notices that sores from the cuffs have had time to heal and get rubbed raw again many times, creating bracelet scars similar, but bigger than the once Beth will have when her own raw sores heal.

'What's your name?' she asks. 'I don't even know your name. Mine is Beth.' She says in a soothing voice, not entirely sure who it is she is trying to calm down, the girl or herself.

'Rina' the girl responds in a voice gruff from lack of use. She slowly moves her newly freed arms and stretches her legs before getting to her feet. She takes a slow step and then two but then sinks down to her knees.

'I'm weak, they kept me chained like an animal for longer than I care to remember.'

'Do you think you can walk at all?' Beth asks.

'I will help you kill all those bastards up there, I have dreamt of nothing else since I came here. But we will need help, I won't be able to do much.'

'Who, who will help us? Is there any of the men you trust?' Beth voice sounds naively hopeful even to her own ears.

'No, they are all scum! But the one you just killed, you didn't stab him in the head did you?' she looks expectantly at Beth who at straight away understands what she is hinting.

'That might provide enough chaos, might be enough to give us the upper hand' Beth agree.

'That and the fact that it seems like they are all drunk and high and not expecting us. They will have someone on guard though…'

'That new guy I guess' Rina says, 'They picked up a young guy just about a week ago, he is only barely out of his teens… if they have got someone on guard it will be him.'

Beth's heart is beating so hard she is freaking out about not being able to hear anything above the sound of its banging. She sits hunched over in the hallway just outside of the door leading down into the basement where they have been kept. Rina is creeping along towards the front door. She has the knife Beth used to kill Wayne with and Beth has his gun. Rina has insisted on going first as she knows the young man they believe will be on guard and she thinks he will be too surprised to see her to put up much of a fight. Beth will be just behind but out of sight as a backup. They want to take him out quietly though, so they are desperately hoping to avoid using the gun. They will need both the surprise and the ammo for the party in the backroom. Beth creeps after Rina in the dark hallway and watch as the girl stops just inside the front door. She takes a deep breath and then quickly opens the door and steps out. Beth feels like every heartbeat reverberates inside of her with a crushing force as she stays still and waiting in the dark hallway. She forced herself to count each heartbeat to stay focused on something other than all the things that could go wrong. But her heart is beating so fast, soon she starts to freak out about how many heartbeats had already passed by and why wasn't Rina back yet? She can't stop herself but goes up and opens the door, fully ready to find Rina dead. Instead she finds her in the loving arms of the young man. He turns his face to look at Beth as she opens the door and she will never forget the confused look on his face as Rina cuts his throat. That face that looked so young and innocent shocked her to the core. She quickly reminds herself that he was a rapist, a man who took advantage of a woman sexually when she was defenceless. He may never have done something like that in the world before but now was not before and the fact was that he had. He had not only stood by and watched it happen but according to Rina he had also partaken. And it was him or them.

Armed with a gun and a large hunting style knife each they stood outside in the night air. Half-dressed and covered in blood, Beth had never felt herself further from whom she used to be. 'I wish I could just change' she had said. Well, now life was forcing her to change at such a rapid pace she was struggling to keep up. Beth was not sure she was liking who she was becoming, but she had no choice and regardless of everything else, she did feel pride that she was not giving up but continued to fight no matter what. By their count there should be another five men inside the house. Beth only hoped that they were too drunk to be very responsive. She wanted to run away from that house, just run, she was so afraid. But she couldn't leave Sonya in there and she couldn't leave those men in there to do this to some other innocent woman or girl. It had to end tonight no matter how scared she was. They had all had to do horrible things just to stay alive.

As they walked into the house, down the hallway and towards the room where the music was blaring, time seemed to both speed up and slow down so that some tiny details would be forever seared into Beth's memory, while there also seemed to be massive chunks of time missing from the chain of events. She remembered with painful clarity Sonja's unconscious body tied up and beaten, tortured and raped with a viciousness that seemed more inhuman than the walking corpses of the walkers. She remembered how the face exploded on one of the men as she shot him and how another seemed to come at her from out of nowhere. She remembered how his guts felt against her bare thighs as she gutted him, but nothing else of their fight. The way blood splattered onto the wall and the exact time that the clock on the wall showed. That one of the men wore a diesel shirt and smelled of onion. Then suddenly they were all dead and Beth was not entirely sure of exactly who she had killed and which had been Rina's kills. But the men were all dead and the girls stood panting in the gore covered room. 'Did I really do this?' Beth asked herself. The room looked like something from the worst kind of horror movie. They cut Sonja down and realised she was still alive even if her pulse was weak. When they turned off the music the quiet seemed both deafening and like a sweet blessing. But the blessed silence did not remain so for long, all too soon the now well-known sounds of the dead reached them. All the music and gun shots had drawn walkers and more were sure to come. The girls quickly procured some clothing, dirty and much too big but it was better than being half naked in the cold autumn air. Beth was unsure of the time of year but it had been late summer when the prison fell and Daryl and her had been together on their own for close to two months. First snow could not be far off and finding somewhere to spend winter would be high on their list of things necessary for survival. Just below getting out of this house of death as soon as possible. While the sounds of the dead kept getting closer Beth searched for car keys and collected guns, ammo and knifes. They carried Sonja outside and realise that the guys must have come back from a very successful haul and had yet to unpack the cars. It seemed like lady luck was finally shining her light on them as one Ute and one jeep just sat there full of supplies. Never had Beth been more grateful for anything in her life then when she turned the key and the car started on the first try. Rina was in the other car ready to go, and not a second too soon as the walkers were closing in on them in large numbers. Then a crazy idea hit Beth as she saw a lighter sitting on the passenger seat, an idea steaming from another crazy idea on another late night.

'Wait, I just have to do something' she yelled to Rina as she jumped out of the car and ran back inside.

'What are you doing, are you crazy? We have to go!' Rina's voice was shrill with urgency.

'I know, cover me, I'll be quick!' she ran back into the house and grabbed a couple of the bottles out of the crate with vodka that stood in the room. As quick as possible she drenched the furniture with vodka before putting them on fire. The fire was already spreading when her eyes fixed on Nick's dead body. She couldn't remember him dying and had to assume Rina had killed him. But seeing him dead filled her with such an intense sense of pleasure that it scared her. It wasn't until she had fought her way out of the house and was in the car driving away from the house that she remembered about Wayne in the basement. They had let him turn and had planned to let him loose on the men but they had all been so drunk the girls had not bothered with the potentially hazardous 'help' of a walker. Oh well, she thought, he hadn't deserved any better anyway. She took one last look in the rear-view mirror at the house, where the flames were quickly growing bigger by the second, before it disappeared into the forest. She caught sight of her own reflection in the mirror and found herself smiling at the bedraggled figure looking back at her.

'You sure did change Beth' she said to herself. And then the tears started to roll as she cried for the girl she had ones been and for all that had happened to her.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The sky was high and clear above them and it was freezing cold. After leaving the burning house they seemed to have headed further out into the country. They hadn't found anywhere safe enough to stay any period of time. And even though the cars had been full of supplies, none of those had been medicine. They had been driving around for 3 days and Beth was starting to despair as house after house failed to turn up any medications of use. Sonja's many sore's where red and inflamed, a foul smelling discharge was coming from between her legs and she was delirious with fever. Beth knew the other girl was dying and she felt helpless as all she could do was watch as the infection claimed Sonja's life.

It was just before dawn and Beth was on watch. The night had been quiet and though it was a nice change from the last days it also gave Beth more time to think than she really wanted. Every other time they stopped they had almost been overrun by walkers and there hadn't been any time to properly look through any of the houses. But at a railroad crossing she had seen something that had given her split feelings, hope and disappointment all rolled into one. 'Glenn, go to Terminus. Maggie' Maggie was alive and Beth even knew where she was going. That made her so happy, grateful tears kept filling her eyes. But it also hurt that Maggie hadn't left any messages for her, didn't she believe that Beth had made it? Sure, the odds had probably not been great but surely Maggie could have had some faith. She had clearly thought that Glenn had made it even though he had just been recovering from a deadly disease… Beth shock her head, the thoughts just kept going in circles in her head. It didn't matter, she reminded herself, all that mattered was that her sister was alive and that Beth would be able to go and find her. But with Sonja so ill and the walkers being so many and so active in the area they had not had any time to search more for Terminus. The sign had showed the road to it clearly if you followed the railroads, but they couldn't leave the cars with the way things were. Sonja couldn't walk and the cars were full of very valuable supplies.

'Water' Sonja hoarse voice broke Beth's ponderings. She quickly grabbed a bottle and moved to the girl's side. After managing to swallow a few mouthfuls the girl again closed her eyes and sighed.

'How are you feeling?' Beth asked. The girl's eyes were clear and she seemed lucid for the first time in days. But the fever was still high with her skin dry and burning to the touch.

'I'm dying, aren't I?' Sonja whispered. Beth didn't know what to say, should she try to reassure the girl or be honest with her. In the end she choose honesty, they didn't really know one another but Sonja had never seemed like the type to hide behind pleasant lies. On the contrary, she had seemed brave, fearless even. Never showing anything but defiance and pride while in captivity. Beth felt her eyes fill up with angry tears, why should this beautiful woman die because of what those animals had done to her? It was so unfair! Life was unfair, she had learned as much, but she still hadn't resigned herself to it. Knowing something and accepting it were two different things and Beth was not one to give up on things easily.

'Sit with me and hold my hand. Tell me about your life before, tell me of the world when there still was beauty left in it.' And Beth did, she spoke of her family and the farm, and at some stage she started singing. She sang every song she could think of, she sang until her voice was raw and the sun was up.

'Beth', a soft touch on her shoulder brought her out of her meditative state. 'She is dead… we must finish it soon or she will turn.' Rina's voice was soft but firm and Beth knew she was right, knew the girl had been dead for some time and she just hadn't been ready to face it. But this world would not allow her to look away or pretend not to see any more. She had to open her eyes and stare the ugly reality in the face. There was no one left to hide behind. So she had to see the world for what it had become and change enough to survive it, without becoming someone else entirely.

They buried Sonya in a shallow grave in a small glade not far from the road and piled enough rocks on top of the grave to hopefully stop wild animals from digging up her body. Then they moved on. There was nothing else to do.

Beth was desperate to try and find her family and they decided to try and locate this place Terminus that Maggie's sign had spoken off. Beth hoped that she would find Maggie there and maybe some of the others too. Maybe Daryl… Beth didn't know what had happened to him since she last saw him holding off a small herd for her at the funeral home. She had made it out of the house and through the garden, being careful to avoid attracting the attention of the walkers. She would never forget the spine chilling feeling that had come over her when she first laid eyes on Nick and his men. For a second she had thought that they might help, but then he had smiled and she had known, had just known who he was and what he wanted. Maybe it was some deep female instinct that told her, but it had gripped her with a fear so intense it even stopped her from screaming. Then only darkness, until she woke up in that house and her nightmare vision became reality.

But she had to believe that Daryl had made it out of the funeral home and, even if he hadn't been able to find her, maybe he had found the others. She didn't quite know what she felt for Daryl, but their time together had been something that she had used to focus on to avoid going crazy during her time in captivity. After they burned down the shack together something major had shifted between them. They had become friends but it had been a friendship that had still had shifting undertones of something, something she couldn't quite identify. It was an emotion different from any she had ever had for anyone. But she knew for sure that she missed him. She dreamt of him, she thought of him when she felt despair and the memory of his scent calmed her nerves and helped her fall asleep.

The name Terminus did not show up on any maps except the ones at every railroad crossing and it took them 4 days of backtracking to locate it. But as they neared the gates Beth was filled with a dreading sense of déjà vu. The gates around the place were torn down, ashes showed that the place had burned and the place was overrun with walkers. It looked like the prison the last time she had seen it or at least it looked like what she imagined the prison looked like now that the fires had died down and the dead had reclaimed it.

'I want to go in' she said.

'Beth, are you crazy, look at the place, there is nothing left!' Rina pleaded with her. 'If your sister was ever here, let's hope she got out before whatever happened happened. And if she didn't…well what's the point of seeing her, remember her as she was instead.' Rina looked at her pleadingly. 'Plus I don't want to lose you! Not for nothing, and going in there would be pointless, it would be suicide.' They had approached the place by foot through the forest. They had decided to leave the cars some distance from the place to ensure they could get close without being discovered. Now they stood hidden by some trees on a small hill edge looking down onto Terminus.

'I know a way' Beth said. 'Glenn told me that he and Rick once walked through a massive herd of walkers by covering themselves in walker guts and blood. I could do that and check the place out.'

'Why? There is nothing good can be found in there!' Rina was getting frustrated now.

'Yes there is!' Beth said back with a voice that allowed for no arguments. 'I could NOT find my sister, I could NOT find any trace of her and I would know that she was still alive out there!'

'Beth, you wouldn't know, not finding proof of something isn't proof that it didn't happen…'

'Well, sometimes you just got to keep faith. Are you waiting for me or not?' Beth raised an eye brow and stared her companion down.

'Sure…, I don't think I have a choice…Just glad we have two cars so I don't have to sit next to you afterwards' Rina ended her speech with a cynical smile. 'But make it out alive will you, I would hate to have to kill you.' The girls were becoming good friends and Beth was eternally grateful that she had Rina to bring her out of her gloomy moods and make her feel alive still.

She had killed a walker and stolen its clothes before gutting it and smearing its blood and intestines all over her legs, arms, face and hair. She had gagged as she did it but the smell of the dead did not bother her nearly as much as it once had. She thought she remembered something from biology class about the smell receptors adapting to unpleasant smells so as to make them bearable. Now she slowly made her way onto the grounds of Terminus, trying to move as much like a walker as she could. It seemed to work for none of them even looked at her. She came across a creepy room that looked like it had been some sort of prayer room, 'never again, us first always' was written on the walls along with many names. Then she made the most horrifying discovery. A butchery, but there had been no cattle here, the carcasses were all human. Bile rose in her throat and she fought hard to keep it down. 'Please Maggie, please don't be here' she prayed silently.

Then she come across the store room, a big room full of the belongings of people and it made her think of the holocaust for some reason. Hadn't the Nazis done that to the Jews, she wondered. The room was still intact and only had two walkers in it. She quickly killed them and closed the doors around her before she started going through the things in the room. She was grateful for the walls that protected her from the walkers as she fell to the floor, a sobbing pile of grief. The room was full of her family's things, they had been here, that much was certain. And what Beth saw of the place left her with little hope that they had ever left… Why would they leave without their things? She laid on the floor and let the grief run through her with all its violence, holding nothing back. Her body shook with boots of tears being torn from the depth of her soul. Holding on to hope had been her motto for so long but in that moment she had no space left for hope. All she felt was sadness and loneliness in the face of what seem undoubtable proof that her family was gone forever. It was the sound of the dead that eventually forced her to pull herself together. Her crying had been too loud and had attracted the attention of walkers. They were banging on the doors and she knew that fighting her way out of this place would not be an option. There were much too many walkers here for her to be able to afford to make herself their target. All she could do was stay quiet and hope that they lost interest and moved on. So she curled in on herself and waited. When she finally left the compound, as slowly as she had entered, it was already getting dark but at least she carried with her a couple of keepsakes of her family. The only thing that gave her some hope was that she hadn't seen any of Daryl's things in that horrible room. Rina meet her with a big smile of relief and a bucket of river water and a towel to wash the worst of the mess off.

After Terminus Beth stopped looking for her family. All the evidence pointed towards most of them being dead anyway and even if they weren't, winter was coming and she and Rina needed to find somewhere to spend it. They had plenty of supplies but no safe walls, nothing to keep them warm and healthy. Beth had already spent one winter on the roads and she wasn't keen on another one. Searching for any possible survivors of her family would have to wait, now she needed to look at Rina's and her own survival. They kept driving, staying away from the big roads. Finding something as safe as the prison was more than unlikely but they wanted something that was far away from any well-travelled roads. They wanted somewhere where it was unlikely that they would come across any other survivors. Other humans felt like more of a treat then walkers nowadays. Finding enough fuel for two cars was another big trouble. Any vehicle they came across they siphoned for gas and stored in fuel containers they had found at an old service station. After a week of driving on small country roads finding nothing suitable they pulled over for a lunch break. Beth had no real clue where they were but they had been heading north more or less the whole time so she wondered if they were still in Georgia or not. That made her think of Daryl saying he had never been outside of Georgia. She pushed the melancholic thought away and focused on the present. They shared a can of baked beans and a bottle of water, it wasn't fancy but they weren't starving and they were trying hard to ration their food supplies. They might have plenty for now but it wouldn't last forever. So they ate as much as was needed but nothing more. Beth went off into the forest to relieve herself when she came across an old cattle fence. It wasn't in great repair but seemed to be intact as far as she could see. She followed it along for a while and found an old gate and an overgrown dirt road. Following what had once been the dirt road out to the bigger road she came out just 200 meters up from where Rina and she had pulled over with the cars. She ran back to the cars to tell Rina of her find. They decided to take both cars and examine Beth's discovery. After passing through the gate they drove through the forest for some time before the landscape opened up to reveal some overgrown fields. When Beth first saw the big barn, followed by the cattle shed and the farm house she felt like she had come home. Maybe it was silly to let herself be so immediately drawn to a place but it looked so much like the farm she had grown up on. And she was a country girl at heart, a place like this was where she felt most at home. But even as she assessed it more impassionedly she found it to be suiting. It wasn't anywhere near any bigger roads and even the dirt road they had taken to find it had been so over grown it has almost been invisible. They needed to check the cattle fences and probably do some repairs but it would be better than nothing. The house itself was two stories and had plenty of free space around it so it would be hard to catch them by surprise. They cleared the house and found it empty. It looked like whoever had lived here had packed up quickly and left in a hurry. The cattle shed was empty and so was the chicken coop but if they were lucky the animals would not have wandered far from their home and they may be able to catch them and domesticate them again. They started unpacking their supplies and found a bedroom each to sleep in. Without discussing it they both started taking all of the family photos down. Beth didn't want them staring at her as she made their home into her home but she couldn't make herself just throw them away either. So they ended up packing them away in the attic. They were starting to empty the second car of supplies when Rina brought up a topic of concern.

'Wait Beth, should we really take all of the stuff out of the cars? What if we need to leave in a hurry?' Beth stared at her friend but quickly realised that she was correct, they shouldn't put all of their eggs in one basket.

'Your right, you never know what can happen? Okay, we should have a back-up plan, just in case something happens.'

They left some supplies in one of the cars and hid it in the woods close to the dirt road. If the farm was attack by people they should be able to hide in the forest and backtrack to the hidden car. And with that started a type of behaviour that soon became ingrained in everything they did. The need to always have a plan B became almost an obsession with the girls.

That first night they carried buckets of fresh water into the kitchen and heated it on old the wood fired stove that had been left when the kitchen had been renovated to modern standards. Now it wasn't just a quaint memorabilia item, it was a luxury item of big proportions. It was a feeling beyond glorious to finally scrub the blood and filth of her body and hair properly. Stepping out of the water into the warm air of the kitchen, putting on clean clothes that more or less fit and then eating warm food made Beth feel the closest to human that she had in a very long, long time. They hadn't found the place a day too soon as only a week after they arrived the first snow started falling.

About two months after having found the farm they were in the dead of winter and the snow was laying thick on the ground. Beth couldn't remember a winter like this in her life, but maybe it was because they had moved closer to the mountains and further north. Whatever the reason it made the walkers slow and inactive so there wasn't much danger from them. Before it became too cold they had repaired all the fences closest to the farm house and made sure that the individual paddocks now linked up to one consecutive fence all around the farm centre. Any stray walker would get stuck on the fence and if a herd was to come their way the fence with its cans, bells and other junk tide onto it should give them enough warning to get away. Even though they were as safe as could be in this world they still slept in shifts, never letting their guard drop.

Standing out in the yard in the snow Beth could still marvel at how quite the world had become. With a thick layer of snow covering everything the only sound was that of her own breath. The sky seemed so high and clear, as if blue and white were the only colours left in this world. It all seemed so clean and innocent. As if this cold was a cleansing period that would wash the evils of this world away and come summer they would get a new fresh start. Maybe that was true in a way, but the evils in this world would not magically disappear. They would be something Beth would have to fight heads on if she wanted to live. Feeling the cold starting to stiffen her fingers and that her arm would not be able to hold the bow for much longer she let the arrow fly. Her face broke into a massive smile as the arrow hit close to the small target she had painted on the tree. She had found the small compound hunting bow in a sports & hunting store on one of their exertions. They tried to conserve their fuel but they also wanted to know what was in their surroundings. Beth wanted no nasty surprises like Woodbury and the Governor. So they had gone on little exploring trips in each direction surrounding the farm and thankfully they hadn't come across anyone living.

Since there was little else to do until spring Beth spent most of her days practicing her bow and reading books about farming, gardening, organic and sustainable farming, herbal medicine, anatomy and physiology books and pretty much any other subject she thought could be useful. She had been scouring every book shop and library they had come across. Because after everything she had been through, Beth still had her father's spirit and she was determined to rebuild. To build something permanent and for that she knew she would need skills. Knowledge of how to grow food, how to hunt and how to treat sickness. Without those abilities they would never make it in the long run. And she could no longer afford to relay on the wonders of modern medicine. Those were in short demand, mostly out of date and damaged by the heat of a couple of Georgian summers without any air-con. What little medicine there was available today would not be available in a couple of years, so if they wanted to live longer than that she would need to learn a different type of living, a different type of medicine. Seeing Sonja dying without knowing what to do or how to help had made her determined to learn as much as she could. She wished there was someone around to teach her but in lack of an actual teacher she would just have to teach herself. Not just medicine would have to change, a different type of farming then the one she had grown up with would also be necessary. So she studied organic farming and herbal medicine and practiced her bow every single day.

Slowly she grew better with the bow. Her arms grew stronger and her aim truer as winter was coming to an end. She could hit the target perfectly time and time again, from further and further away. When that became too easy she started hunting for real. There wasn't much pray around, mostly squirrels and rabbits but they would be a welcome change to the monotony of tined and dried foods. If only she could actually hit one. Turns out it's much, much harder to hit a small, fast moving target than it is a tree trunk. But by the time the snow had melted and the blue and white had turned into a world of different shades of light green she had taken down her first kill. When the first arrow hit true and she saw the life leave the squirrel she had let out a whoop of joy which had been followed immediately by tears. She had cried for the innocent life she had just taken. Or maybe not for the life she had taken as much as for the pain she had inflicted. And even though she had quickly dried her tears and told herself they were silly, they had also been true. They had been tears for all the lost innocence in the world.


	4. Chapter 3

**Sorry for not having updated for so long, will try to do better. This is my first chapter from Daryl's point of view. This story is mainly focused on Beth and her journey but I want some of Daryl in there as well.**

 **Thank you to everyone who has followed this story, means a lot to me as it is my first ever fanfiction. I would love some more comments, constructive criticism is welcome but please be gentle, it is my first time ;)**

 **As usual I owe none of the characters from the Walking dead, only my OC are my own.**

Chapter 3

Daryl had left the others behind in the church and headed out into the woods on his own. He needed to be alone to clear his head, but also to stop himself from smashing someone's face in. It was driving him crazy, sitting there and listening to the others talk about Terminus or DC and Eugene, as if Beth wasn't still missing. He had told them she had been taken but that she was still alive. Why was he the only one who seemed willing to believe that she was still out there? He wasn't quite sure of what he felt for Beth, other than that in the couple of months that they had spent alone in the woods she had managed to break through his carefully erected walls and touch him in a way no-one else ever had.

He had been close to Carol for a long time, they often understood each other without words. But Carol had never faced him down in a rage, and when she gave him advice on how to handle a situation he had often felt belittled. She would often speak to him as if she was his mother or a teacher telling him what to do.

Beth on the other hand had stared him right in the face and yelled back at him when he was angry. She had spoken to him with an open heart and even though she could never understand where he came from, never understand what his life before had been like, somehow she understood him. Understood what he needed. She saw his best sides but was not scared of his worst. That was like a balm on Daryl's soul and slowly he had started to think that maybe her version of him could become reality. Coming out of the funeral home that night and seeing the car speed away had been like losing the ability to see colours after only just regained the ability to see. With Beth his world was in technicolour, then she was taken and everything became black and white again. First it had been such a hard blow he could not even keep moving, saw no reason to keep going. But the world would not allow that, the Claimers had forced him out of his sorrow, and slowly Daryl had realised that hope was never really lost as long as you kept trying. Being reunited with his family, and coming out of it all alive, had showed him that Beth had once again been right. The others had been alive and they had found each other again. Seeing Rick hug his baby daughter had been a very bitter sweet moment for Daryl. He had been happy for his friend, his brother, but the cruel words he had yelled at Beth had also echoed in his head. "You ain't never gonna see Maggie again!" He had been wrong and she had been right. If only he could have kept her safe she would have been there in that moment to see that even her sweet Judith was still with them. But he hadn't been able to do that and guilt-ridden fear made it hard to sleep at night. In that moment of family reunion he had resolved himself to keep looking for her, to keep believing that she was still alive, no matter how long it took until he found her again.

Maybe he was also more ready to believe she was still alive because he had seen her change during their time together. She had started to learn to track and he had started teaching her how to shoot his cross bow. He had been showing her how to find water, make sure it was safe to drink and how to recognise some edible plants. He knew she was not helpless and that she was strong. What she lacked in physical strength she more than made up for in strength of spirit.

The wind changed and the scent of smoke was suddenly strong in the air. Why he felt so compelled to follow it he didn't know. After all, smoke meant humans and humans mostly meant trouble. When he broke through the forest and came upon the burnt down house he was completely unprepared for the way the sight of the car with a cross on the back windshield hit him like a physical blow to the body. It was the same car that had taken Beth. He had wished so hard to find that car, harder than he had ever wished for anything before. He was somewhat ashamed to admit that he had prayed to God that he would find it, find her! He had never truly felt alive until he had gotten to really know her. He had known her for so long but until those months alone with her he had never truly seen her. Never seen her inner strength, her fearlessness, her light! And then she had been gone and his whole world had gone dark again. Believing that he would eventually find her had been the last shiver of hope that he had clung to. Now that he finally found that car it was parked next to a still smouldering shell of a house. A feeling of deep foreboding settled in his belly like a flock of stone birds. The building had burnt badly but the bones of it still stood. He killed the walkers still wandering around it and then entered.

By the time he walked back out of that shell of a house, he himself felt like a shell of a man. With him he carried nothing but a yellow t-shirt that had somehow survived the fires. That and memories of the things he had seen in that house. Things that spoke of violence, cruelty and evil deeds. He had lost her and this is where she had ended up. How could he ever forgive himself that? Not only was she forever gone but the guilt and the pain of knowing what had happened to her was something that would haunt him for the rest of his days.

He never said anything about his find to the others and no one ever asked where he had been. As they never talked about trying to find Beth, all he had to do was stop talking about searching for her and the group just left her memory behind them. Daryl felt bitter about it but said nothing as he didn't want to tell Maggie about her sister faith. He partly understood that her attitude towards her missing sister was a type of defence mechanism. In a world where they had all lost so much, hope was sometimes a luxury they could no longer afford themselves. Better to take the world for what it was instead of hoping for more than you were likely to get. Hoping and losing was just too painful, as Daryl was learning the hard way. So he left Maggie to deal with her emotions on her own and kept his own pain rolled up in a tight ball of pain inside his chest.

They spent a hard winter on the road, deciding to keep heading north even after they found out Eugene was a fake. It was even harder being on the road with a baby and the winter was unusually cold. It wasn't helped by the fact that they were heading north either. They had found a couple of places suitable for staying but the lack of food always forced them to keep moving before long. By the time Aaron found them it was almost too late. Their humanity, their hope was all but gone and Daryl wasn't sure they would be able to function with other humans anymore.

Alexandria and its pampered inhabitants had at first seemed like a parody on life now. How they had all managed to survive was a mystery to all in the group. Daryl felt like a feral animal in a group of domesticated sheep. He could see the way they looked at him, see the mixture of fear and disgust that had been the normal way he was received by 'good' people before the turn. But something about Aaron and his partner Eric reminded Daryl about Beth. Reminded him that maybe there was still good people out there. He decided that Alexandria was worth fighting for, and not in the way Rick and Carol proposed. This place deserved a chance, a chance to come around on its own, a chance to truly become a sustainable community. They didn't need to take it with violence, there was another way, and of that Daryl was sure. A way that Beth would have approved of.


	5. Chapter 4

**Thank you for the follows, the favorites and the review! It means a lot, please keep the love coming!**

Chapter 4

She could sense him behind her, hear his breathing, feel the heat from his body but he was not yet touching her. She wanted him to though, wanted his touch with every fibre of both her body and soul. Her body was electricity and her heartbeat rolled through her like thunder and fire ants. When he finally put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her neck she felt as if she might explode from need and relief alike. Shivers of pleasure surged through her, from her scalp to her toes. Her entire existence was compressed into the place where his lips touched her skin, like feathers and fire all at the same time. His body pressing into hers from behind was like sweet torture, she was acutely aware of every inch of her body and where he was touching her. His hands wandered down her arms to her breasts, touching them gently and lightly rubbing her nipples between his rough fingers. Her breath surged in through her lips and into her belly with power as pleasure surged from her nipples to her clitoris and back again.

'Oh Beth…' his deep husky voice woke something deep in her, a feeling that kept traveling south.

Suddenly his voice changed character along with everything else. Like an evil whirlwind it twisted everything and good became bad as light turned to dark pain.

'Don't scream so loud, you don't want the biters to hear you', his voice smiled as she cried out. In shock she tried to move away from this man but realised her arms and legs were tied to a bed. She was suddenly painfully aware of her nakedness and panic flooded her as she realised she was back there! And he just kept on smiling that smile, that prince charming smile that always filled her with such fear, as he slowly dragged the hunting knife up along the inside of her leg. The knife did not quite cut, but the pressure was still hard enough to draw a thin streak of blood. It travelled higher and higher until it reached her nether lips.

'Now beg me for it princess, beg me to fuck you or I will fuck you with this blade. Beg me real good, make me believe!' The sound of his laugh still echoed in her ears as she awoke all tangled up in her sheets at the farm. She sat up in the half light of dawn, pressing her back against the wall and clutching her gun to her chest. She was drenched in cold sweat with the sheets all tangled up around her. His voice had sounded so real she had to remind herself that she had killed him.

'He is dead, he is dead, he is dead' she mumbled to herself like a mantra until her pulse settled and she no longer felt utterly terrified.

She got out of bed and rinsed her face in the basin she kept in her room. No point trying to sleep after a dream like that. She had one every couple of nights. Sometimes she dreamt of Nick straight away. But other times, like tonight, she would dream of the other man first. It made her blush just thinking of that dream, because in that dream there was no fear, no pain. Just pure desire of a kind she had never experienced in real life. Why did she dream of Daryl that way? Because the man in her dreams, the one that made her weak with desire, was Daryl. She had dreamt of him enough times that she no longer could deny that fact. It wasn't that she didn't like Daryl. She had always liked him. Even back at the farm she had liked him. She had seen his rough exterior and attitude for what they were, an armour against the world. She had always been able to recognise kindness, to know if a person was good or not. What people presented outwards wasn't always the truth, Daryl was the prime example of that. All rough, rude and angry but under the surface he was all loyalty, kindness and compassion. She had seen how much he cared about finding Sofia, he had searched harder than anyone else, kept hope up longer than anyone else. She wondered if he would do the same for her. Would he keep looking for her and hoping that she was still alive against all odds?

The other things she had always liked about Daryl was the fact that he had always treated her like an adult, never like a child, as so many of the others tended to. He treated her with respect and talked to her like an equal. On the road before finding the prison it hadn't been so bad. They had all been so busy surviving and she had just pulled her weight like all of the others. But then they had found the prison and somehow everybody had gone back to treating her as if that winter on the road had never happened and she was still the little girl who feel apart when the truth of the world ending finally hit her. After they found the prison and everybody feel into their set roles within the group Daryl had been the only adult who had kept talking to her as an equal and she had always been grateful for that. She had felt safe within the prison but she had also often felt like she disappeared into the background, as if being Judith's baby sitter was also the only thing that validated her existence. Before she had started dating Zach she had even had a crush on Daryl but she had always known that it was a silly school girl type thing. It had started after he brought the baby formula back for Judith. Seeing that though man holding that tiny baby had just made her heart melt and her belly fill with butterflies. But he was much too old for her and even if he treated her like an adult he never ever did anything that made her think that he saw her like a woman either. Plus there was the whole 'friendship-maybe-more-thing' that he had with Carol.

And then it had been her and Zach and it had been nice. She had been in love and she had lost her virginity to him. But there had always been a part of her heart that she would not give to Zach. Because she wasn't sure that he was cut out for the way the world was now and she knew all too well what it felt like to lose someone you love. So she loved him as much as she dared too, but when he died she hadn't cried because it was only what she had expected all along. She had known and prepared for that moment since the very first kiss with Zach. So when it happened she was almost relieved, now she could mourn him and move on. Mourn him like she had always known she would.

Then the prison had fallen and it had just been her and Daryl. At first there had been so much pain and lose that they had almost turned on each other. Beth had never been one to keep her emotions under lock and key but Daryl…. With Daryl in pain it was like trying to wring sweat out of a stone trying to get any emotion out of him… and it had almost driven her crazy. Not only had she lost her home and family but she was stuck with this grumpy and angry man who did nothing but look at her as if he wished she would just disappear. But after the moonshine shack things had started to change between them. First of all they no longer felt like enemies but were ones again on friendly terms. But not just that, sharing memories and secrets on the porch, burning down his past, it all had made them feel like they belonged, like they were allies. She had never seen Daryl open up like that before and in the following weeks she had learnt that he also had a nice smile and a good sense of humour. At times things felt so light and easy between them and at other times there was that thick layer of underlying tension between them. As she looked out of her window now, seeing the mist rise from the fields as the sun rose, she realised it was that tension that she felt magnified by a 100th fold in her dreams.

She told Rina that she was heading out for an early morning hunt and probably wouldn't be back until lunch time. The ground was almost completely clear now, only some remnants of snow still clung to the shadows under the larger trees. She walked slowly, being careful where she put her feet, looking for trails on the ground and keeping an ear out for walkers. Moving slowly and carefully without making any noise was the thing she still found the hardest about hunting. She found clear hoof prints of two animals and felt her excitement rise as she recognised them. This wasn't deer, they were cows! She tracked them until she could see them at a distance. They were two cows in poor condition after the harsh winter outside. She didn't approach them any closer. They would probably be skittish of humans by now and she didn't have anything to lure them back with. So she ran back to the farm as fast as she could.

'Rina, come, you'll never believe what I have found!' she yelled as she entered the house. Rina was in the kitchen washing bed clothes.

'Here help me rinse them out' she said as Beth entered the kitchen. 'I figured it's warm enough today to hang them outside to dry and they were all getting pretty filthy.' Beth grabbed the other side of a big blanket and together they wrung most of the water out of it. 'Why were you yelling so?' Rina asked her as no more water was coming from the fabric.

'I saw two cows in the forest!'

'Bullshit!'

'No I swear, it true! They are very skinny but we can feed them up and we will get milk from them! Imagine fresh milk! We need some rope and some food to entice them with.'

'You for real? Two cows in the forest?' Rina stood up and wiped the sweat from her face. Beth just smiled and nodded.

'Well okay then, let's go cow hunting!' she says with a cheeky grin that made Beth laugh. Together they hung the blankets outside and then got some rope from the shed along with some old hay and some oat grains that the girls had planned on trying to plant as soon as the ground had thawed. First they travelled fast back to where Beth first detected the tracks and then they moved slow and careful. Rina was not as good at moving quietly as Beth, while Beth had taken up hunting Rina preferred to set traps. They found the cows not far from where Beth had left them. Beth called to them softly the way she used to call the cattle on the Greene farm. The animals pricked their ears with curiosity but didn't come any closer. Beth held out the hay so they could see it and slowly walked towards them. When she was about 3 metres away the cows started tensing up. Afraid that they might bolt she dropped the hay on the ground and moved back. After a bit of hesitation one of the cows gave in to temptation and moved in on the hay. Beth softly shook the bucket with oat grain trying to show it to the cows, the one eating the hay became braver and moved up for a taste. As she put her head down the bucket Beth quickly laid the rope around her head. Holding firmly onto the rope she used the bucket of oats as an easy way to make the cow move with her back towards the farm.

'What about the other one?' Rina asked.

'I think she will just follow us now that we have her friend.' Beth responded

'Wow, you are like the cow whisperer' Rina laughed softly and shook her head. 'I grew up in the city, I have no clue about any of this country life stuff.'

'There is just so much in this world now that growing up never prepared us for. But we learn! You will be a true farmer in no time' Beth smiled at her friend.

The cattle settle into the barn almost oddly fast. It was as if 2 years of roaming the forest and staying away from walkers had never happened to the cattle. They were back in the cow shed and seemed very happy to be so. The girls decided to spend most of the stored grain seeds they had found on fattening the cows up. The idea had been to plant them for crops but the more Beth read about organic farming and farming without machinery, the more she realised what a massive undertaking that would be. So maybe they were better off trying to get the girls fat and milk producing and just save a little bit of grain to sow on a small plot of land. But Beth was also fairly sure that God or someone would need to bestow a bull onto her girls if they were ever to start producing milk again. So unless that happened maybe the cows would just go to their platters. Anyway, Beth felt better knowing they were there. They were another two living creatures to keep them company in this world of the dead. It made her feel a little bit less lonely.


	6. Chapter 5

It was late afternoon a couple of weeks later when the sound of gun fire broke the still peace of the farm. Beth and Rina looked at each other and nodded shortly before they both grabbed their riffles, guns, knives and ran out. No words where needed, there was no choice. Beth's heart was beating hard and fast with fear but she tried to push it to the side. Whoever it was that was making all this noise this close to their home, they could not afford to ignore it. People this close by was Beth's worst fear but she would not turn and run. She would fight for her territory if it was at all possible. If not, if the group proved to large for them to fight then it was better for them to know and get away clean. Beth didn't want to be ambushed by a group of unknowns.

As they ran towards the commotion they started hearing the unmistakable sounds and smells of a small herd of walkers. They exchanged looks of caution and slowed down as the sounds of the dead grew stronger. No more shots were being fired and they didn't want to run headlong into a herd if the humans fighting them were already dead. So they progressed with more caution and came into view of the battle slightly from above. The forest opened up and the ground started to drop off down into a small glade. Down there three women were fighting a herd of about 20 walkers. The fighters were standing back to back, creating a triangle of safety for each other. They all had short swords, long daggers or impressive hunting knifes. The guns laid disregarded, as did the bodies of probably 40 or more walkers. It was clear that these women had already killed more than their fair share of walkers today and still the favours were on the sides of the dead. But what caught Beth's breath was the way these women fought. They all moved as in a dance with each other. Each move measured and powerful, conserving strength but also delivering precise results. It was beautiful and magical, watching these women fight together was something beyond the normal. Beth knew they should step in and help but before she could break out of her total awe the fight was finished. The three women stood in an ocean of dead bodies and yet they seemed totally unharmed. It wasn't until one of them swayed and fainted that the spell broke. Beth and Rina rushed down the hill to offer assistance. If the living were more dangerous than the dead, then these were the type of people they wanted on their side. The two women had bent down to attend to their fallen comrade but at the sound of the girls running down the slope they quickly got back into fighting stance.

'Stop!' It was the blond woman that had spoken. She was around 170 cm and all curves and muscles. She had a strong and beautiful face that told the world loud and clear that she was not to be fucked with, she meant business. Her voice matched her looks and was strong and confidant. 'Don't come any closer!' she told Beth and Rina. The girls stopped and put their hands up into the air to show that they meant no harm. On closer look Beth realised that the three women were dirty and much too thin. The one that lay on the ground seemed to have fainted from exhaustion.

'We mean you no harm, we only wish to help.' Beth said.

'Why?' the blond woman returned, her voice and face full of distrust.

'Why? Do you mean why we would help you?' Beth asked and the woman nodded curt.

'Because you need help, because I know what it is like to need help and because I think that you can help us.' She replied with as much honesty as she could muster.

'We have a safe place, food and water, you can come with us if you will just answer three questions first.'

'Why would we trust you? You could be leading us into a trap.' The woman said. Beth looked at her and wondered what she could say to convince this woman of who she was.

'I don't know why you should trust us, only you can decide whether to trust us or not. But we are on our own, inviting you is more of a risk to us than it is to you. That's why I need you to answer my questions before we can take you back to our place.' She tried to keep her voice as strong and sure as the other woman and not to think about the fact that the women would probably find the farm on their own if they just kept walking another couple of hundred meters in the right direction.

'What are the questions?' the woman asked with slightly less distrust in her voice.

'How many walkers have you killed?' The woman's friend burst out into a laugh and Beth looked at her fully for the first time. She was tall and slender with beautiful dark brown hair and eyes that held warmth. She also had a beautiful laugh that made Beth smile against her resolve not to show weakness.

'How many walkers have we killed? You mean how many dead have we put down? Well look around you, this was just today! So truly, I have no clue! Many?' she responded and then laughed again.

'How many people have you killed?' Beth's next question stole the laughter right out of the woman's eyes.

'Non that didn't deserve it.' They held eyes for a long while and Beth saw something in the other's eyes that she thought she understood. She gave a nod and looked at the blond woman instead.

'Never killed anyone who didn't want me harm first.'

'Well, that kind of answers my last question.' Beth concluded.

'Which was?' the brunette asked curiously.

'Why.'

As Beth led the small group of women she quietly wondered if she had made the right choice. She hadn't even cleared bringing them back with Rina, she had just acted on instinct. What if she had put her hope in the wrong people? They outnumbered her and Rina and they were clearly much better fighters. She looked sideways and meet the eyes of her friend. Rina looked like she could read her mind because she just nodded and smiled a weak smile. They didn't know for sure but what was done was done. And if they were to survive they would need to grow stronger. She and Rina on their own weren't strong enough to make it alone in the long run. The blond, whose name was Ronda, and the brunette, who was called Michelle, carried their friend and what meagre belongings they had.

'We found this place just before winter and secured it as best we could' Beth told them as the farm house came into view. 'But we will need to build better fences and maybe even some proper walls now that the ground has almost finished to thaw.'

They went straight for the kitchen where Rina restarted the fire to heat some water.

'You look like you both need a proper wash and a good warm meal' she said. Beth went upstairs for a thick blanket and helped put the passed out woman on the mattress that still was stored in the kitchen. Rina and she had used it to sleep on in the kitchen during the coldest part of the winter. Beth sunk down on the floor next to the woman. Her body temperature was too low, her skin showed clear signs of dehydration and when she pulled down her lower eyelid the membranes were too pale, indicating anaemia.

'She hasn't been bit?' Beth asked at the same time as she checked the young woman for any bites.

'No, I'm pretty sure she hasn't. But we haven't had an easy winter, fighting that many walkers was just too much for her.'

'Okay, well her pulse is weak but steady so we will just leave her to rest.' Beth concluded.

'Where you a nurse or a medical student or what?' Michelle asked.

'No, my dad was a vet and after the world ended he essentially was a doctor but I, I am just trying to learn now. Wish I had asked him to teach me more while there was still time' she said wistfully.

'Beth here is trying to make herself a healer of sort by reading every book she can find.' Rina teased. 'If she isn't out hunting she will be found with her nose in a book. I hope one of you are a bit more for actual conversation cause it was getting a bit boring here, just me and Ms Academia. Found myself conversing with the damn cows more than once!'

'Look I talk, but learning how to make it in this world is important. We won't have tined foods forever!' Beth defended herself half-heartedly but truth be told she didn't mind Rina teasing her. Sometimes she really needed that to stop her becoming too introvert. Sometimes she felt as if she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders and Rina teasing her made her remember who she used to be. She needed more laughter and joy in her life. That thought made her look at Michelle as she remembered how her laugh had sounded in the forest. The woman looked so beautiful in the warm light of the kitchen and Beth found herself blush as Michelle looked up and caught her staring.

'Wait, what do you mean, talk to the cows?' Ronda interrupted.

'Yeah, we have two cows' Rina confirmed 'but they have both dried up so unless we find a bull as well they won't give us any milk'

'Wow, a kitchen with a wood fired stove, a pantry full of food, a well with good water, a farm with fences and cows in the barn! Is this the land of deliverance or what?' Ronda laughed.

'Well you are welcome to stay and make it home together with us. On one condition' Beth said. She felt the atmosphere tense and Ronda shift as if she expected the trap to fall close on her.

'You must teach us how to fight like you do.' The atmosphere in the kitchen relaxed again as Ronda smiled and responded with conviction.

'You won't have to twist my arm, this world needs its women to be able to fight better than both the dead and the men together. I will teach you!' It turned out that Ronda had been a professional mixed martial arts fighter before the turn. How she, Michelle and Sarah had all meet Ronda didn't say and Beth didn't ask. But Ronda had clearly trained the other two girls and they were both spectacular fighters from what Beth had seen. Michelle was much more talkative and Beth and Rina soon learned that she had been a dancer before the turn and that's how she knew Sarah. They had both been in the same dance group and they had been out touring when everything went down. She had never found out what had happened to her family. They had all been up in NY and Michelle and Sarah had been in Atlanta dancing. The phones went down so early, she had no clue if any of them were still alive or what had happened to them.

Sarah woke up the next morning and ate enough for two big men. She was a tiny little thing but clearly had an appetite. After breakfast the training began. Beth now added fighting lessons to her schedule for the day and she was surprised to find that she enjoyed it and learned fast. Ronda, Michelle and Sarah were all excellent teachers but Beth seemed to have a natural talent for the style of fighting they did. Michelle and Sarah's dance training showed up in the rhythm and grace that they had contributed to Ronda's powerful martial arts technique.

Beth feel asleep that night with a feeling of relief and gratefulness. She wasn't sure that she still believed in God, but someone or something had provided her with the teachers she would need to make it. So much had been taken from her, but if she wanted it bad enough she would be able to rebuild. The seeds were all there, all she needed was the courage to plant them.


	7. Chapter 6

**Before you read this chapter I will remind you that this IS a Bethyl story but it is an eventual Bethyl. I don't want Beth to be a damaged being that Daryl needs to fix and that is what this chapter is partially about. If this offends anyone I'm sorry but I don't apologise for it.**

Chapter 6

'Come on, get up!' Ronda's voice bickered no excuses. After having taken a hit too many and not succeeded in managing the move Ronda was trying to teach her Beth had given up and thrown in the towel. But Ronda was not having any of it. She moved into Beth's personal space and grabbed her hands forcefully.

'Someone gave you these scars!' she said, referring to Beth's scars from the hand cuffs. 'Do you want someone else to be able to do the same again? Or do you want to learn how to beat the world?' She starred Beth in the face without giving a yard. Beth stared back with all the frustration and anger she was feeling at that moment.

'I'm trying!' she almost yelled back.

'Well you're not trying hard enough!' Rhonda yelled back. Then she took a deep breath and stepped back as if she was sensing that she was going at Beth too aggressively. 'What I mean is this; you will always be small and physically weak compared to a man BUT that does not mean you can't beat them. You just have to be faster and your fighting technique has to be perfect. Your size means that you have to be perfect!' Rhonda took another step back and another deep breath.

'So go grab some water and a breather and then get back here and do it perfectly. I know you can.' She finished with surprising softness. That was the thing about Rhonda, she was tough with a no-bullshit attitude and she was passionate about all the women in the camp being excellent fighters but she was also compassionate and caring.

Beth stood out in the forest just on the outskirt of the farm. She was still inside the fences but far away from the house to be sure to be alone. She had had another dream about Nick and she needed some space to herself. It was early morning and the light still crisp in the air. Some light fog rolled around the trees giving the morning an ethereal feel. She took deep breaths of the sharp spring air. It smelt fresh and strong with still a hint of winters cold in it. 'I'm alive, I'm still breathing' she reminded herself. No matter what had happened to her, no matter what she had had to do, she was still alive!

'I'm not broken, he didn't break me!' she told herself while tears of anger and frustration rolled down her cheeks and her body shock with a chill that was only partly due to the early spring weather. But the truth was that even though she was growing stronger and more capable by the day, hardly a night went by when she didn't wake up covered in cold sweat and shaking with fear. She slept with a gun under her pillow and her big hunting knife was never far out of reach. She may have made it out of that house but the truth was that she was still fighting every single day to leave it behind her. The fear, pain and humiliation still haunted her. The days she could fill with studies, training, hunting, farming and all the other tiny things that were a necessary part of living in this new harsh world. But the nights were lonely, dark and full of bad memories.

And truth was she didn't even know how to start to heal herself. Learning how to fight was doing a lot. The more Ronda taught her the less vulnerable she felt. She no longer felt like her helplessness was a cloak she wore visible to all. She wasn't at a level where she felt certain she could protect herself but she knew she would get there. Ronda was an excellent teacher and she knew how to use an opponent's strength against them. Slowly Beth was learning how to use her small statue as an advantage rather than a handicap.

But how to heal all the other stuff? How did she reclaim ownership of her own body? She was young and she had urges but every time she tried to touch herself she found her mind haunted by memories of Nick and the horrors he put her through. She essentially had no good sexual experiences to use as inspiration. The few times that she had done it with Sach had been sweet but it had been all fumbling inexperience from both of them. The sex had hardly had time to become good before he had died. She had never truly know herself sexually before her budding sensuality was stolen from her and almost destroyed.

To try and clear her thoughts and calm her spirit she started moving through the fighting exercises and binding them together with some of the dancing moves that Michelle was teaching her. It worked almost like a form of meditation as it kept both her body and mind focused.

'You said you could take care of yourself. You did.' Daryl's voice came to her and made her smile. It was spring and she was in a good place with good people. Things would be alright. She was alive, she was still breathing!

Now that there was 5 of them on the farm things progressed much faster. Preparing the soil and staring to plant crops was one of the top priorities. The other was to make the farm more secure, both against walkers and men. The existing fences gave some security but not enough. So first they reinforced the fences and built them higher. They dug trenches outside of the fences but found it too hard and time consuming so one metre deep was all they could do for now. But the walker were not good climbers so it would stop all but a big herd. After that they started to build proper walls around the centre of their little world. The farm with surrounding fields and forest was like their own little kingdom with the farmhouse, barn and cattle shed the inner sanctuary. Their castle so to say. But their castle needed proper walls, it was much too vulnerable to both man and walker. And vulnerability was something Beth had had more than enough of in her short life. Before the turn Sarah had partly stopped dancing to go to university. She had only been dancing on school holidays and had been an architecture major so it feel on her to draw up plans to fortify the farm. They went to a hardware store where they picked up both materials for the walls and some machines to make the building both easier and faster. Before the leaves started to turn colour they would have walls that could withstand most things and Beth found herself taking a deep breath of relief.

On a trip for extra material Sarah, Rina and Ronda returned with two cars not just full of hard wood and metal but also new people. Beth and Michelle had stayed back to water and weed the large gardens that now surrounded the farm house. Beth found herself spending more and more time with Michelle. She tried not to think too much about the reasons for this or how much she liked the other woman's laugh and the way her lips curved when she smiled. They were just good friends she told herself.

Now she watched in nervous anticipation as new people climbed out of the vehicles. They needed more people to help make the farm a success but Beth was also scared that these people could upset the precious peace the women had created for themselves.

First came a sinewy man in his late 50s who by the look of his skin had spent a lot of time outdoors even before the turn. Next was a family consisting of a man and woman in their late 30s who hugged a young girl to them as if she could be snatched away at any moment. The girl looked like she was in her very early teens and was mostly skin and bones but with that same older-than-her-years look in her eyes that Carl had. Beth thought that maybe the kind of innocence that she had just assumed was every child's birthright growing up was just forever gone from this era. Lastly there was two young men, one barely out of his teens, probably about the same age as Beth, and the other in his late 20's. Beth watched them with caution but nothing about them set of her alarm bells. They all looked like they had been on the road for some time, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It meant they were all likely to be capable survivors. The new people had answered the questions satisfactory and were given food, water to wash off and a bed to sleep in. With so many people in the house they no longer had the luxury to have a bedroom each so Beth and Rina shared and Ronda, Sarah and Michelle did the same. The family got the master bedroom while the older man, named Sam, moved into what had been Beth's study. The two young men ended up sleeping in the kitchen. Having an extra 6 pair of hands made life on the farm so much easier. The walls were being build, fences strengthened and extended, the gardens were flourishing. The mother in the family was named Rosie and she taught the others how to preserve vegetables, fruit and meat so that they would have extra when the next winter came. This meant that when they managed to bring home a deer from hunting there was nothing wasted anymore. Sam was an experienced hunter and tracker and he helped Beth fine tune her tracking skills. The older of the two young men was named Jonny and he had been a tractor mechanic before. Jonny and Neill, the younger guy, started working on some of the old farm equipment and soon they had a tractor to help in the farm work.

But more people wasn't all easy. Beth was ashamed of some of the feelings that the new group awoke in her. Seeing Rosie and her husband Thomas together made her feel uncomfortable and sometimes even angry. They were a very affectionate couple who held hands, hugged and told each other they loved one another. They clearly adored their daughter Jenny and were very proud of her. It came as a shock when Beth realised that her feelings stemmed from jealousy. She wanted what they had and she was no longer sure that she would be able to have that. She wasn't sure that she would be able to trust and love like that and it made her angry. Seeing the ease with which they touched each other filled her with envy. That physical affection could be so easy for anyone! When Jonny and Sarah hocked up and Rina and Neill started a flirting courtship it just made the whole thing worse.

'How is it to be with someone again?' Beth asked Rina late one night when none of them seemed to be able to fall asleep. Rina and Neill had been sneaking off more and more lately and everyone knew that they were a couple even if they hadn't openly announced it yet.

'We haven't actually gone all the way yet…' Rina answered in the darkness. 'He knows what happened to me and we are taking it slow.' She was quiet for quite some time before continuing. 'But I think it will be fine, it feels so different with him.'

Beth just hummed in agreement and said she was happy for her friend. And she was happy for Rina, but it also somehow made her feel even lonelier.

It was the end of summer and after a couple of very very hectic weeks all the harvest had been taken in. They had potatoes, pumpkin, swedes, turnips and apples in the basement along with preserved peaches, plums, berries, cucumbers, peas, onions, eggplant, squash, capsicum and much else. They had jars and jars of corned venison and four rabbits and a sow with piglets had joined the cows in the animal barn. They decided that it was time to celebrate all that they had accomplished with a small party. Beth and Sam brought home a small deer and with some of the last flour they made a type meat pie with wild forest mushrooms and fresh picked onions and herbs. They roasted potatoes and steamed fresh vegetables and had a lovely salad with the last salad greens for the season. It was a feast for kings and to it they shared a couple of bottles of red wine and some beers they had found on a run. Scavenging hunts were not so much about food any more as it was a about other items like toiletries, clothes, tools, building material and books. It was also about knowing your surroundings and make sure that no other dangerous group was in the area. So far they had been lucky.

After the meal they all sat outside around a campfire and enjoyed a couple of extra drinks. Jonny played the guitar and he and Beth took turns singing. It was a lovely night and Beth found herself relax as she drank alcohol for the first time since the moonshine hut. The night progressed, Jenny was sent to bed and not long after Sam went off to start the night watch. Beth suddenly felt like she was surrounded by kissing couples and her good mood turned sour fast. She hugged her knees to her chest and stared into the fires trying not to cry. She was probably more intoxicated than she had realised and now she was becoming sad and weepy. She found herself wishing that Daryl was there, sitting next to her and maybe putting his arm around her. 'But why?' she then asked herself. So he could grunt at her, tell her to stay well hydrated and remind her that she was nothing but a child to him? It was all just too depressing and she felt the first tear break free and roll down her chin.

'Hey sunshine, don't be sad' Michelle said as she sat down next to Beth and put her arm around her in support. 'What's wrong, why are you sad all of a sudden?'

'I just feel lonely, miss my family, miss…. stuff…'

'I miss my family too… but hey, we are young and we have each other. Let's dance.'

'But there is no music!' Beth protested but there was now laughter in her voice again.

'Oh who cares? Ill sing for you!' Michelle pulled Beth up and started slow dancing with her while singing in off key. Beth laughed and spun around as Michelle spun her.

'You are a terrible singer, you know that right'

"Well, I had to have one flaw, right. Can't be amazing at everything you know." The women laughed and danced and Beth didn't feel so lonely anymore.

Michelle and Beth where out in the forest picking berries, mushrooms and trying to find some of the edible and medicinal plants that Beth had been studying in her books. They were talking, laughing and focusing on the plants so that it took them longer than it should have to become aware of the change in the forest atmosphere. It wasn't until the wind suddenly changed direction that Beth realised all the birds had gone quite. There was a silence in the forest that was as unnatural as the things causing it. She couldn't hear them yet but the wind was carrying the smell to them. They ran up the hill and spotted a herd of hundreds of walkers coming towards them and in the direction of the farm. Beth and Michelle looked at each other and they both knew what had to be done. They had to lead the herd away! The farm may have strong walls but Beth wasn't sure they could withstand the push of this many walkers. They quickly agreed on a plan of action that would keep the farm and their friend's safe but that none of them felt confident they would survive. They then gave each other a hug of empowerment and encouragement before they started, Beth felt mildly surprised when Michelle cupped her face in her hands and gently kissed her.

'In case we die today, I wanted to make sure I did that once before it's too late.' Michelle whispered to her. Beth just nodded, it felt right in the moment. Then they turned and ran as fast as they could. They needed to outpace the herd so that they could turn them around and lead them away from the farm. But to do that they needed to run along and away from the herd so that they would be leading the walkers away. How they would survive the undertaking was not something they had a plan for. The walkers where clearly many more then they would ever be able to kill. The only way was to stay ahead and then find a hiding spot. So they yelled until they were sure they had the attention of the group and then they ran. There was no pacing themselves, just run as fast as you can until you are ahead of the heard. They ran until their breath was nothing but a rasping pain and the taste of blood filled their mouths. Beth hadn't run from a heard this size since she was with Daryl. They had ended up hiding in a car boot and spent a terrifying night watching as the dead stumbled by only inches away. Beth wondered if Michelle and she would be as lucky or if the untiring walkers would eventually overtake them. Thank god the walkers were getting slower and they could stop from time to time. But even so, Beth was tiring and she could see the same was true of Michelle. They choose to keep within visual distance of the herd to ensure that they were still following. But to stay that close to a group of walkers that size was nerve wracking as well as physically exhausting. At one stop Beth looked up into the clear blue sky that was showing through the tree tops and she was hit by the absurdity of the situation. It was a gorgeous late summer day and she was running for her life from the walking dead! They must have stopped longer then they realised, exhaustion does weird things to time, because suddenly the first walker was on them. It got Beth by the hair and she was too busy holding its head from her neck to be able to stab it. Its vile breath was pungent and the sound of its snapping teeth so close to her ears was terrifying. Michelle saved her by plunging her knife into its decaying head. Beth pulled out her gun and shot the closest walkers while Michelle did the same. Then they ran again, fear and adrenaline giving new energy to their aching limbs. When Michelle spotted the hunting tower they both figured they were far enough away from the farm and that this may be their best chance of survival. They sprinted towards the tower with the last burst of energy and climbed the ladder while they still remained out of sight of the herd. As they collapsed on the floor of the hunting tower and laid up in relative safety trying to catch their breaths Beth didn't think she had ever felt so grateful to be alive. Nor had she rarely felt more alive. Her pulse was beating so hard she could hear it and feel it as a separate living being within her. For once an emergency hadn't ended in catastrophe and she felt like crying from relief and laughing with joy. She had just pushed herself to her outer most limits and succeeded against all odds to turn a massive herd and survive the attempt. As she looked over at Michelle she felt nothing but love for the beautiful woman lying next to her. As Michelle reached over and kissed her it felt like the most natural thing in the world. The sky's suddenly opened up and rain started to fall so they moved under the roof of the hunting tower. The rain masked the smell of the dead and the sounds of the herd for Michelle and Beth and masked the sounds they made from the attention of the walkers. As Michelle kissed Beth with a soft passion she had never experience before Beth felt herself feeling both aroused and soothed. They slowly undressed each other and used mouths and hands to discover each other's bodies. Beth had never touched a women like this before and had never been attracted to any other woman before Michelle. But she knew that all of the summer had been leading up to this moment. When Michelle kissed her and used both tongue and fingers to please her, Beth only felt the mildest twinge of guilt that it was Daryl she thought of as she closed her eyes.


	8. Chapter 7

**Thank you for some good feedback and all the new follows, must say I was a bit nervous about posting the last chapter so I'm glad it was well received. And be patient, we are getting close to Bethyl now. Hope you enjoy this little chapter too.**

Chapter 7

Late afternoon sun shone through the slanted window shutters. It bathed the bedroom in a warm golden light and Beth watched as dust danced in the light over Michelle's strong body.

She always enjoyed watching Michelle in the warm afterglow of climax. Her cheeks would become blushed and her eyes were lazy and dreamy. Michelle pulled her in for a gentle kiss and Beth let her. She allowed herself to wallow in the warm comfort of Michelle's arms for a while longer before rising and giving herself a quick wash in the basin.

'We should go down and help prepare dinner.' She said, avoiding Michelle's eyes now that she was getting dressed and the spell of love making had been broken. Michelle stayed in bed, watching Beth getting dressed without making a move to do the same. It made Beth slightly uncomfortable as she was afraid that Michelle would try to talk about what they were doing.

'Come on now lazy!' she joked and hurried out of the room before Michelle could say or do anything. They still hadn't spoken about what had happened in the hunting tower and Beth kept having conflicting feelings. She had never before been attracted to a woman, but to pretend that what had happened had only been due to the adrenaline of that day would not be honest. She had been physically attracted to Michelle almost from the first time she meet her and the connection between them had only become stronger over the summer. Every time that they had made love since Beth had told herself that it was the last time. Beth had been raised in a strict religious home and she was unsure of how her father would feel about her being with another woman. It was true that the apocalypse had changed her father, made him more understanding and less harsh in judgement. But would he understand that she needed this? Her making love with Michelle didn't hurt anyone and it had done her good. She felt like she had regained ownership of at least some part of her sexuality. And that was more important than whether she was gay, bi or straight! But to talk to Michelle about what it was they had was more than Beth was ready to do. So when she needed touch and reassurance she would go to Michelle. The rest of the times she pretended they were just friends. She knew it wasn't fair but it was all she could give at this stage.

The community kept growing, late that autumn another two small groups joined theirs and the farm house was no longer large enough to comfortably accommodate them all. They now consisted of 9 adult women, 10 men and one young girl. They would need to build another living quarter or find another place to live. And there was no way Beth was leaving the farm unless forced too. She had now lived here for almost a whole year and it had been the most peaceful time she had experienced since that massive herd had invaded her own childhood farm and forced them to flee. Her new farm lay far enough into the forest and far enough away from any big town that not many other group seemed to come this way. Beth knew that as they grew in numbers they created too much traffic, the roads leading to the farm were no longer overgrown dirt tracks. She just hoped that as they grew in numbers they grew in strength and hopefully that would deter anyone from attacking if they were found. But even though they had now grown into a group of 20 people it was too late in the year to build anything substantial. So they spent that winter all crowded together in the farm house. It was hard as privacy became a mere memory but Beth preferred it over the lonely winter she and Rina had spent there the year before.

Beth kept training and hunting with the bow and her skill grew until she had the accuracy to hit almost every squirrel and the strength to take down a large animal like a deer. She was very proud of her skill and her physical strength, things she had once so clearly lacked and that she had mostly taught herself. She gave Daryl the credit of having given her the basic knowledge but where she was today was due to hours and hours of gruelling training. They all trained their fighting skills and slowly the camp grew into a fortress full of warriors. Beth liked seeing Rosie's and Thomas's daughter grow into a confident fighter. She wished she had been taught those skills when she was young. What she wouldn't have given to have been able to fight already from the start. She wondered who might have been alive today if she had been able to not only take care of herself, but to protect others too. Would she have been able to save some of the children from the prison, what about Judith? Beth tried her best not to think of Judith but every now and then something would remind her of the girl she had raised as her own and her heart would be torn to pieces anew. Mourning a child truly was worse than anything. Thinking of Judith being taken by walkers was enough to make Beth crazy, so she tried to banish the merest memory of the baby.

Unfortunately Beth also had to practice her medicinal skills as a nasty flu and respiratory tract infection moved through the group. It made her more conscious than ever of how vulnerable they were nowadays. It was not an especially bad flu but living in tight quarters, with limited sanitation, limited nutrition and poor heating they almost lost 2 people to the illness. Beth spent many nights brewing endless cups of elderberry and purple cone flower tea. She made everyone chew on raw garlic and tried to ensure that they all washed their hands before eating. She almost drove herself into the ground and often it was Michelle that grabbed her by the shoulder and forced her to lay down for a sleep.

'Who is going to take care of us all if you kill yourself?' she asked as she made Beth sit down and eat a proper meal before going to sleep. 'I will make sure everyone is okay while you sleep and if anything happens I will wake you, I promise.' Beth smiled a tired smile in gratitude and let exhaustion claim her into a deep, dreamless sleep. When the last fever broke Beth couldn't believe that she had managed to keep them all alive and she swore that next spring she would plant more medicinal plants.

As spring finally came around Beth knew that Michelle was waiting for her to decide what she wanted. She realised it was time to take the metaphorical bull by the horns and get an awkward conversation over with. Michelle was standing down by the paddock watching the cattle. This spring had finally delivered them the real bull they had waited for so long. One day he had just stood there by the fence demanding to be let into the paddock to the cows. Now he was getting to know them and Beth was sure that they would get down to business before long. The first spring grass had broken through the seemingly lifeless ground and everywhere new life seemed to be stirring. So many extra mouths had been a hard drain on their food storages and spring was more than welcome. It was like a light green blanket of hope embracing the land after the harsh winter bleakness. Soon there would be enough stinging nettles to make a nutritious soup out of. Beth watched Michelle from behind and tried to come up with a good way to tell Michelle of how she felt. She had tried to have this conversation so many times but she had always ended up backing out. She didn't want to hurt Michelle's feelings but she also felt like she owned the other woman her honesty. Michelle had been a great friend to her and she didn't want to hurt her by pretending to feelings she didn't have. The conversation Beth needed to have felt to her like a minefield with both honesty and dishonesty possibly leading to Michelle becoming hurt. Beth almost chickened out and turned on her heal but then told herself that enough was enough! She resolutely walked down to where Michelle by now was waiting for her.

'Hi, we need to talk' Beth burst out before she lost her nerve again. It wasn't the eloquent start she had imagined but it was a start she guessed. Michelle just looked at her and for once she didn't smile.

'Yeah I guess it is time we do…' Michelle sounded anything but enthusiastic and turned half around to watch the cattle again. Beth swallowed hard and forced herself to continue.

'Michelle I like you but I want to be honest.. .'

'Let me guess, you enjoyed our time together but you are not really gay and you don't know why it happened and you want to stop.' The speech came out fast and bitter and by the end Michelle was a bit breathless.

'No, that was not it.' Beth said and laid a soft hand on her lovers arm.

'I do enjoy what we have, you were right about that. But I don't want it to stop and I don't think it was a mistake or anything like that. You have been my healing.' She reached up and gently kissed Michelle on the mouth.

'But I want to be honest about what I do and don't feel for you. I love you like a friend, I enjoy you as a lover but I am not romantically in love with you.' Beth knew that once upon a time she would have been shocked, not only by the idea of having a female lover, but also by the idea of having a sexual relationship with someone just for pleasure and not for romantic love. But she had been so damaged and Michelle truly had been like a healing balm. Making love with Michelle was not the intense experience that she suspected sex could one day be. Instead it was soft and loving. It made Beth feel safe and it gave her an arena to explore the pleasures her own body was capable of both feeling and giving. She didn't want that to stop but she didn't want Michelle to believe that it was more than that for her either. Michelle was quiet for some time before responding.

'So you want to be my lover but not my girlfriend? Is that right?' she finally asked.

'Yes, I guess that is pretty much it.' Beth felt like a right asshole but she told herself honesty was the only way. If she was in Michelle's place she would want to know how the other person felt.

'Okay…, it is less then I wanted but more than I was expecting. If you want to be friends and occasional lovers then I'm in.' she smile a weak smile at Beth.

'To occasional lovers and great friends?' Beth help out her hand with a cheeky smile.

'Sure.' Michelle said and sealed the deal by pulling Beth in for a kiss. As if taking inspiration from the women the bull grunted as he climbed the first of the cows. Hope, spring and sex was in the air and Beth was a woman who lived by her own code, not a scared girl doing as she was told. The end of the world had long ago taken the end of her childhood from her but now she had finally grown to an independent and confident woman.

Beth woke with her heart raising and her whole body in fight or flight mode. But there hadn't been a dream that had woken her up, so why was she wide awake? The night seemed quite enough, not a sound could be heard. She told herself it was nothing and tried to relax and go back to sleep. Just as she closed her eyes and her muscles started to unclench, there it was again, the sound that had woken her. Screech, it was the unmistakable sound of the gate being opened. Beth jumped out of bed and pulled on her jeans. Why was someone opening the gate in the middle of night? She looked out her window onto the yard. First she didn't see anything but then figures started to materialise out of the darkness, armed strangers in her home. This was her worst nightmare come through and she felt fear and panic start to flood her body. Once before she had stood in the dark and watched strangers with evil intentions come towards her. Then she had done nothing but let the fear paralyse her. But that girl was long dead, she had died a long time ago. Beth had killed that girl herself when she drove a knife into her rapist's throat. The woman she was now had been baptised in a blood bath and there was no way she would just stay and watch while someone took all from her again. She didn't know what these men had planned for them, but nothing good came quietly in the night.


	9. Chapter 8

**Sorry for taking so long with this update, life got hectic! But Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you all! This is the last chapter before a time jump to reunion so I hope you enjoy it. I guess it is a bit dark for the season but this is TWD after all.**

Chapter 8

Beth stood in the dark watching as strangers invaded her sanctuary. What felt like a never ending flood of people came pouring in through the gate. It was probably no more than 10 people but the dark made fear multiply the shadows. Anger joined the flood of emotions filling her when she saw Lauren run up to one of the men and embrace him. Lauren had been with them for 2 months now and she was supposed to be on guard. They had picked her up on a run and she had claimed to be on her own. She had kept to herself but had otherwise seemed okay. None of Beth's alarm bells had gone off, she had trusted the young woman. Now it seemed she had nursed a Judas by her bosom. So much for there still being good people out there, Beth thought to herself. She grabbed her gun, hunting knife and short sword. The sword was about half the length of Michonne's samurai sword, it had a sharp point and curved blade with serrated long sides. It looked similar to a machete but it was slimmer and its light weight was more suited to Beth's build. Beth had found it when they came across a cabin in the woods. Whoever had once lived there had been a smith by trade and had specialised in real life fantasy art works and weapons. Beth and the others had acquired an interesting armoury from there. Ronda liked to joke that now they all looked like Xena or something out of Game of Thrones. But even if the weapons looked fancy they were of real steal and cut better than most. The man or woman who had made them had been an artisan at their trade.

Beth ran down the hallway, stopping at every door to wake everyone within. They were under attack and the moment to fight for what they had built had come. Only in Rosie's and Thomas's room did she say anything different than, 'we are under attack, get ready to fight'. Here she stopped long enough to say, 'Get ready to fight, but hide Jana, she is not to come out unless her own life depends on it'. It felt weird being in the room of a family. As if theirs was an intimacy that shouldn't exist in this world of refuges and family bonds forged through hardship, not blood.

'You stay with Jana' Thomas said to his wife.

'I can fight as well as you!' she responded with heat.

'I know, that is why I want you to stay with our girl. God forbid anyone gets this far, but if they do…' he didn't finish the sentence and he didn't have to. Rosie nodded and gave her husband a fierce kiss. Beth left the family to say their hurried goodbyes in privacy.

Beth, Rina and Ronda climbed over the balcony and dropped onto the yard. Michelle, Sarah, Thomas and the rest were to meet the attackers head on in the house. Beth and the others were to attack from the rear and even out the fight by adding their own element of surprise. When she first landed on the ground Beth couldn't hear or see anyone. She tried to look around the corner of the building but was so nervous that she didn't catch anything of importance. This was why she had never been good at team sports, when under pressure she failed to see the big picture and got too caught up in one detail. And when trying to catch the big picture she totally missed the small but important details. She started freaking out but then closed her eyes for a second and took a deep calming breath. This is no different than hunting, she told herself. As she calmed herself shapes started to take form and noises that belonged to men could be distinguished from those of the night. The strangers were heading into the house and sooner than Beth had anticipated the night was torn asunder by gun fire and screams. The women threw themselves into the fight without any more hesitation and things got ugly quickly. Beth had never truly fought a real enemy since that night when she and Rina broke free of their imprisonment. They had had regular training fights in camp but never before had she faced an enemy who was sober and intent on killing her. It was faster, harsher and scarier than she was used to. At first she fought well, she avoided the man's clumsy fists and got some good hits in herself. But then her attention was drawn to Rina. The woman was fighting a man and doing well but another was coming up from behind. It was only a second that she focused on her friend, but it was all it took. The power that his fist had when it connected with her face was enough to stop the world. Make it spin around her as sound disappeared and time slowed. She stumbled backwards in shock but then realised it was now or never. The hit had shocked her but also narrowed her focus. As sound, time and movement all came back to her in one violent rush she used the force of it to attack her opponent. She gripped the hunting knife and charged into the man with all her force. As they tumbled onto the ground she started stabbing blindly. Blood was everywhere and she was back in the basement, using a knife to kill for her right to live. As she felt sure that the man was dead she looked up at the scene around her.

When you see an accident about to happen but you are too slow to stop it, you are helpless change the events taking place even though you can see them coming a mile away. So it was as she looked up and saw Rina push her attacker away with a powerful punch. But the other man stepped up behind her and grabber her. Rina's arms were pulled back and her chest pushed forward and neck exposed. Her original opponent came back up from the hit and pulled a knife. With painful clarity Beth could see as he pulled his arm back across his body and put all his weight behind the blade as it ripped Rina's throat out.

'Nooooo!' Beth could hear someone screaming and would never be sure if it was herself or Ronda who yelled it. But together they killed the men and then all went quiet. Beth rushed to her friend's side, the gravel digging into her knees as she skidded to a stop.

'I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry!' she cried trying to stop the blood with her hands. But Beth was no more capable of saving Rina than she had been able to save her father from the same faith. Blood flowed and life left the body as surely as darkness followed in the footsteps of the setting sun. Rina had been like her sister ever since the night they escaped together. They had found this place and made it a home together. They had been the first ones and Beth knew that she could never have made it through that first winter and remained sane had it not been for Rina and her sense of humour. Now that same girl was lying in a puddle of her own blood and why? Because someone had come at night to take what was theirs, what they had built from scratch themselves. As Beth bent her head and cried for her friend movement caught her eyes. A figure was running out the gate and away from the farm. Without hesitation Beth went after, ran into the dark night, into the true world that lay beyond the walls. The girl running in front of her was fast but she was scared and Beth was not. Beth was beyond fear, all she was was anger and hurt and pain. When she finally caught up with Lauren she tackled the girl to the ground. Beth straddled the girl and taking her by the shoulders slammed Lauren's body into the ground.

'You did this, you killed her! You killed her! Why, why?' she was shaking so badly Lauren managed to push her off. They faced each other in the dark, both having knifes drawn, both covered in blood and, Beth realised, both mourning someone they had loved.

'He said I had to, to give us a chance to live. He said I had to do it if I loved him!' Lauren said. It came out as half yell, half cry. Beth stopped herself and looked at the other girl. She was responsible for the death of Rina and probably even more people from Beth's camp. Beth had run after her to kill her, to avenge her friend. But now all she saw was a young girl who had done what she did out of the misguided notion that it was necessary, that it was an act of love. Beth felt the anger leave her body, what kind of world was this that taught you that love required you to kill? Lauren had been happy to betray people who took her in because she loved a man, Beth had been ready to kill Lauren because she love Rina. But killing Lauren would not bring Rina back. Beth had killed in self-defence, she had looked evil in the face and known that if she wanted to live she had to kill. But she looked at Lauren and failed to see the evil, realised that this was an instance when she could choose to kill or to let live. This was a woman who had loved the wrong man, and Beth didn't want to kill her for it. She suddenly felt very old and very tired.

'Go', she said, 'Go and never ever come back' she threw the hunting knife in the space between them and then turned and headed back. She didn't believe that Lauren would attack her, and if she did, oh well, then she did. Beth didn't care in that moment. She had made her decision to let the girl walk and that was it. She was tired from the fight, covered in blood and she still had a sister to bury.

They swept their dead in sheets and buried them in a corner inside the walls. The bodies of their attackers they piled in the back of the jute and driven far from the farm. All in all they only had four graves to dig and Beth assumed she should be grateful there weren't more but she was too tired to feel anything like that. And those four deaths had been a hard blow to the camp. Rina had been a member of the council and liked by everyone for her warm sense of humour. Thomas had been a good farmer and seeing Jana and Rosie mourn him was heart breaking. Beth felt almost nauseas with guilt that she had ever felt jealous of a family still whole. They buried Neil next to Rina in the same grave and Beth was almost glad that she would not have to watch the young man mourn her friend and then move on as life moved on. It was a horrible thing to feel and she added it to the long list of things she should feel shitty about. The last member of the group that they had lost was a man named Tim. Beth hadn't known him well but he had been an excellent story teller and had entertained them all on many dark winter nights. He would be missed by all, but mostly by the small group of people he had arrived with.

Ronda had said that it had been a mistake to let Lauren go and had wanted to take a group to hunt her down. But Beth had said no and held her ground. Laurens reason for infiltrating and betraying them was gone and Beth didn't think they had anything to fear from the girl. It was true that the Governor had come back after a long time to take revenge but she didn't think that Lauren, unlike the Governor, was a raging psychopath.

A week after the attack Beth decided to go hunting. More to clear her head than because they really needed the food. Sam insisted he come along and Beth eventually relented. She didn't really mind the company of the older man. He was quiet and a good hunter and she knew he wouldn't destroy her day with endless chatter. They took the car to a good hunting forest some miles away from the farm where they had killed bigger animals a couple of times before. The days were starting to heat up but it was a very pleasant warmth at this stage. They started moving soundlessly through the forest but could not see any fresh tracks or even any small animals. Beth felt like something was wrong, there should be more animal activity in the area but it was not the dead quiet that tended to happen when big groups of walkers were around. It was just as if this area had been disturbed recently and the normal activity of the forest had not resumed yet. They moved silently through the forest for some time. Beth enjoyed the silence of the forest, the smells always made her think of Daryl and that always gave her a sweet ache in her chest. But the silence was odd today and she was just about to give up on the hunt when the reason for the animals' absence became clear. A woman's scream tore through the clear spring day and Beth set of towards the sound without hesitation and without waiting to see if Sam was following. She slowed to a stop and took cover as she came into view of the situation. A woman was on the ground and her companion lay dead on the ground not far from there. Around the woman stood four men and a fifth lay on top of the struggling woman. The men cheered and laughed as if they were attending a football match and it made Beth cold with anger. Sam appeared on the ground next to her.

'Let's go back and get help, they are too many for us to take on' he said. Beth didn't want to leave the helpless woman but she knew that he was right. They could come back with a stronger group and hunt this group down. But the wind carried something one of the men said to Beth ears. Clear as day she heard him, as if he had said it to her and not the other woman.

'Don't scream so loud, you don't want the rotters to hear you.' That sentence sealed the deal for her and without thinking she stood up and drew her bow. The first arrow took on man in the back and the second arrow was already flying true to its goal before anyone had realised what was happening. Beth nocked a third arrow and took one of the men straight through the left eye socket. Her arm was getting tired so she dropped her compound bow and pulled her gun. She finished the last two men before any of them even had a chance to locate her. She walked up to the dead and pulled the rapist's limp body off the woman. She was shivering from shock and looked at Beth as if she wasn't sure if she should thank her or fear her. And in that moment Beth didn't know either. She had killed without hesitation, without any thought she had killed five people. She stood in the silence and took some deep breaths, waiting for the emotions to catch up with her. But regret and guilt never came. She had killed these men in cold blood but she didn't regret it. So she pulled her knife and pushed it through the base of the skull of those that had not died from a head wound. Sam was taking care of the woman, trying to calm and comfort her while shooting Beth cautious looks from time to time. She had not yet said anything since killing the men. Now she meet his eyes and also looked at the scared woman.

'Men like that have to die. They are like rabid dogs, once they have crossed the border and become this' she indicated the dead man with his pants around his knees with disgust 'once they have done things like these they can no longer be saved. They are sick and must be put down or they will do it again.' She hardly recognised her own voice but she knew in her heart that she had spoken true. She collected the men's weapons and anything else valuable while Sam helped the woman dig a shallow grave for the man who, before they had had the bad fortune of running into this group of killers and rapists, had been her companion. Beth had asked the woman the three questions and then invited her to join the group at the farm.

That night Beth spent in Michelle's bed, savouring all that was still soft, warm and loving in this world. She was grateful that she had Michelle to remind her that there was still light and good left because this last week had made it hard for Beth to hold on to that belief. She wondered if Daryl was still out there or if she was a fool for believing that he was still alive. But when she thought of him he felt alive to her. And she found it impossible to imagine a world without Daryl Dixon in it, so she held on to the belief that he was still out there waiting for her.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

For three and a half years now Beth had refused to give up on the idea of Daryl still being alive and out there. That anything different was just not possible and that he still was the last man standing. She had long since come to realise and accept that before she was taken she had started to fall in love with Daryl Dixon. She even allowed herself to believe that he had felt the same. But that had been a long time ago and she wondered if those feelings still held true. It was definitely true that she still thought about him, often and sometimes at the weirdest of times. She had continued to ask everyone she meet if they knew a Daryl Dixon but no one ever did. Until they saved that small group from a herd of walkers and the leader had given her the oddest of looks when she started to ask her questions.

Now she was in a car heading north to a place called Alexandria where apparently her whole family waited for her. It all seemed beyond surreal. It was not quite 4 years since the prison fell and she last saw Maggie, Rick and the others. Little bit less time since she shared a candlelit moment with Daryl before the world once more turned to shit and stole away what good she had left. But she had been wrong about them all ending in Terminus, whatever had happened, her family hadn't died there. She should have had more hope she guessed, but at that stage hoping beyond belief had been beyond her. But regardless of the time, if counted in days, months, seasons or years, it had been a lifetime for her. So much had happened, both horrible and amazing, and she was no longer the same person as when she saw her family last. She had mourned them, had her heart pulled apart by the loss and then she had somehow rebuilt. She had made a home, lost Rina and others but kept going. Rebuilt again, stronger than ever, always learning from past mistakes. So much of her innocence had been lost in the years on her own but truth be told Beth didn't feel any sadness for the girl gone. She had been sweet, full of light and hope but the woman Beth was now was a survivor. And she liked to believe that she still managed to look at the world with hope for the future. In the prison Beth had been part of the original prison family and she had been responsible for Judith, which in itself was no small task, but asking for her advice or opinion on anything but diapers had never occurred to anyone. On the farm she was part of the council and a leader, healer and huntress. She no longer felt unsure or uncomfortable speaking her mind, standing up for her opinion or making big decisions. She was still only young but she was well respected within their community, people trusted her.

Michelle sat next to her in the car, Beth was currently driving and Michelle had taken the chance to catch some sleep. Beth had been very unsure about bringing Michelle with her on this trip but the other woman had refused to let Beth go on her own.

'No way I'm letting you go on your own! What if this is all a trap and your family is long gone!' Beth had just given her a look that told Michelle in no uncertain terms that she thought her reasoning was silly but in the end she had relented. Michelle was obviously worried and scared to let Beth go on her own. But nothing had changed between them. They did not share a room but they were still lovers. Michelle loved her, she was well aware of this fact, but Beth had never managed to return those feelings. She loved Michelle and was deeply attracted to her, but she didn't love her in a romantic fashion. What would it be like to see Daryl again? What would Maggie think of her and Michelle? What would Daryl think of her and Michelle? If she still felt something for Daryl how would Michelle react? What if Daryl was with someone else? A hundred questions kept bussing around in Beth's head, refusing to quiet down until she had a headache from turning every possible angle and turn of events over and over again in her mind. A tight little knot of nerves low in her belly made her almost nauseous when walls and a large gate came into view and she realised that they must be at their goal.

Beth laid in bed that night in her own bedroom, in a guest house that Maggie and Glenn used when they were visiting Alexandria. Beth was happier than she could remember being in a very long time but she also had a feeling of anticlimax. As if she had gotten everything she had ever dreamt of and more, and it still wasn't enough. Alexandria was nice and it looked so much like a normal community from before. Well, the house structures did anyway, lots and lots of things were very different. Entering had been easy, she had been reunited with her family and everyone had been so happy to see her. So why did she feel like a little kid who didn't get any presents on Christmas eve?

'Newbies are not allowed weapons until they have been cleared as trustworthy' Benji had told the women as they got out of their vehicle inside the gates.

'No way am I giving up my weapons without knowing what this place is!' Michelle was obviously still not trusting Benji but Beth suspected that a large part of her negativity stemmed from a fear of losing Beth back to her old family.

'Let me see someone from my family and then they can decide if they think we need to de-arm' she said in a placating tone. Benji just shrugged his shoulders, smiled and left saying he would see if he could find Rick.

Some time went past before she heard footsteps coming up from behind her and she turned around with her heart beating furiously. She couldn't help to feel it drop with disappointment when she saw that Daryl wasn't one of the men coming towards her. But the look of complete astonishment on Rick's face made her smile and she felt love fill her soul at the sight of her former leader. Without hesitation she walked up to the man and embraced him while he hugged her back with a strength that reminded her why Rick was a man to lead.

'Beth, you look so different, I can't believe you found us after so long!' Rick said after he let her go. Beth felt touched to see he had tears in his eyes and seemed truly thrown to see her. But then she had sat in unbelieving shock for quite some time after she had realised her family was still alive.

'Is Daryl here?' she blurted out before she could stop herself. She hadn't planned to ask for him first but the words left her lips before she could reconsider them.

'No he is out on a run with Aaron, but your sister is here…,' Rick gave her an odd look and a slight smile as if he wondered why Daryl was the first name she mentioned but also kind of knew the answer.

'You're lucky, she just came by yesterday visiting from Tree top hill.'

'Maggie is here? Now?' Beth was elated, she had been told Maggie and Glenn lived in another community together with their son Herschel. Beth couldn't quite wrap her head around the idea that she was an aunt. 'Is Glenn and the boy here too?'

'No, they stayed, Maggie came over to give me a report on the crops and help us plan next year's planting as well. She is very good at agriculture and planning, we are lucky to have her.' Beth just nooded, Maggie had always been good at anything she really put her mind to.

'Come on, let's get out of the sun. I think Carol is up in the mess, let's go see her.' Rick turned on his heal and started walking, just taking for granted that everyone would follow his lead.

'What about the weapons?' Beth asked. Rick just looked at her and smiled slightly again.

'If you really think you need that many, keep them all. Otherwise you can leave some in the armoury or in the house I will show you too later.' Beth and Michelle just nodded their assent. As they walked Beth allowed herself to watch Rick properly. She had first known him when he was a righteous, kind man with high morals. She had seen him go cold and hard after experiencing Lori's betrayal and having to kill Shane. Then she had seen him lose his mind after Lori's death, she had raised Judith pretty much by herself in the beginning as Rick wasn't able to even look at his daughter, much less care for her. She had seen him slowly come back to them and try to regain his humanity under her father's tutoring. But after the fall of the prison she had no idea what had happened to him. He seemed stable but there was still a hardness to him. Has if he was still Rick but a Rick so used to making hard choices he often failed to see any other way then the hard one. As if he was sensing her scrutiny he turned his head and smiled at her.

'I look different?' he asked but nodded and spoke again without waiting for an answer.

'You do too… Very different. I guess you have been through a lot too.' Beth just smiled and nodded. Yes they had all been through a lot, no doubt. Just then a little girl rounded a corner and came running towards them. Dark brown hair like her mother and light blue eyes like her father, the sight of her took Beth breath away.

'Daddy, daddy, look what I made' the girl yelled excitedly waving a crude wooden doll made from forest materials. When she saw Beth and Michelle she stopped immediately and watched the strangers with hooded eyes. Beth felt tears fill her eyes, she hadn't been told that Judith was still alive, she hadn't been mentioned and Beth hadn't asked. That Judith had survived all the way here had seemed so unlikely she hadn't allowed herself to even wonder if it was possible. Beth guessed that the world was still capable of holding miracles.

That night they had had a lovely dinner with all of the prison family that was in Alexandria at the time, plus some more people that Beth didn't know. Everyone talked over each other, trying to tell Beth everything that had happened to them. When asked to tell her story she was very vague on the details before she and Rina found the farm. Even though it was obvious to everyone that she was not telling them the whole truth no one pushed her for details. They all knew that some things were too painful to talk about and if she was going to tell them it wouldn't be in such a public setting. She told them about the farm, how they had reinforced it, built walls, ditches and layers of high fences travelling outwards. She told them about the tree huts they had spread out throughout the forest, even miles away from the house. That way there should always be a safe place for people to hide if they got overrun by walkers while outside the fences. She told them about how they had built a two-story living quarters completely underground with tunnels leading out and away from the farm. The building couldn't be seen from the ground, it was completely camouflaged and most people slept there. Safe and sound in case of an attack with possibilities to either escape the farm or re-enter it without being seen. Beth was extremely proud of the fact that they had taken action and learnt from every single incident they had experienced. But she was humble enough to know that it was not something she could have done on herself. You couldn't make it alone in this world, you never could.

Her sister sat next to her at the table, they held hands and hugged often. Beth could feel Maggies need to ask more questions, but she didn't and Beth was thankful for the respite. She wasn't ready to tell Maggie any details either. She was so happy to see Maggie but they had both changed so much and they would not be able to fall back into their old behavioural patterns, that much was clear. Beth could not be the little sister who was loved but not listened to. That was not enough for her anymore. By the end of the meal she was exhausted and felt grateful when people started to say their goodbyes and take their leave. She thought she would fall asleep immediately, an exhausted but happy mess. Instead she laid in her clean room and stared at her clean ceiling and feel a hollow emptiness that didn't make any sense at all. He wasn't here yet but he would be. She had been patiently waiting to see him for so long, what was another day or two?

He drove his motorbike in through the gates after Aaron's jute. They hadn't found much on the run but had come across some important supplies. It was funny how food was no longer the most important thing they needed. They were growing enough nowadays to survive without tins and dried goods. But clothes, paper and pens were always in short supply and they had not yet perfected the art of making their own. On the way back they had also stopped for a hunt and Daryl had managed to take down a large deer. Aaron drove the animal straight up to the slaughter house and Daryl followed. He dressed the animal and hung it. Aaron had long gone to see Eric by the time Daryl finished and the sun had set. He started walking through the dark streets and enjoyed the quiet. Soft light and soft voices spilled out of some windows and it made him feel good to know that he had helped to create this community. He still felt more comfortable watching it from the edges than getting involved in the heart of it. He was close to some but he had never managed to feel completely at home here. It was home but it wasn't HOME, Daryl couldn't even explain it to himself, only knew that something was missing. A warmth that he had never truly experienced but that he had once glimpsed. And that one glimpse had been enough to fill him with a longing that still endured all these years later. A longing that endured knowing that she was dead. It didn't matter that his logical mind knew that he could never have that warmth. That that promise of love had died unanswered, it didn't matter because his heart wanted it. He had tried to move on, had tried to find peace and solace somewhere else. One drunken night he had given in to years of hints and tried to find peace in Carols willing arms. But it had only left him feeling even emptier, it was so clearly not what his heart desired, it was worse than having nothing, this fake desire. Carol was his best friend but two broken pieces do not necessarily make a whole, sometimes their sharp edges just cut the other even more. Their affair had been short lived and by now they had both moved on from it and were friends again. But he knew that he had hurt her and in typical Carol fashion he suspected that she hadn't truly let go of it. Sometimes he saw a deep, dark pain in her eyes and he still didn't know how to deal with it. He had tried to love her but had failed miserably. His love for her wasn't romantic or sexual and he was a one woman's man. Maybe it was old fashioned but it was just the way he was made. He didn't know how to love a little bit, how to be casual about his feelings. His love was a passionate flood that took all of him with it and now that it was gone before it even happened he was left just longing for a promise. He had grown up a lot emotionally since losing her and he no longer tried to hide from the fact that he had been heads over heels in love with Beth Greene.

Light was spilling out of the windows of Glenn's and Maggie's spare house and he had time to register that they must be in residence before his whole world started to swirl violently. Faint piano music was coming out of the open door and with it a high sweet voice that hunted his dreams. The words were beyond the comprehension of his brain, all he knew was that it was a voice that couldn't be. Light and song drew his up the stairs as irresistible as food draws a starving man. He entered the sitting room as quietly as a ghost and before him was what an apparition seemed. A young woman sat at the piano with her back to him, blond hair breaking free of her high bun and curling slightly at her neck. She looked older, even with her back to him it was obvious that all of the girlishness was gone. The light around her was soft with candle light and for a moment time swirled for him and he was back in the funeral home, just watching this angel he wanted so badly to touch. But it felt like an impossible task, for someone like him to touch someone like her. How would that even be possible? So he just stood in the shadows and watched her. Have I gone crazy he thought, have I finally lost it and started hallucinating? Then he could see a slight shift in the woman sitting at the piano in front of him and after a moments silence a new song started.

'It's unclear now what we intend, we are all alone in our own world

and you don't want to be my boyfriend and I don't want to be your girl,

and that, that's a relief.

So we'll drink up our grief and pine for summer.

And we'll buy beer for shotgun and we'll lay on the lawn and we'll be good.'

The deja vu was complete and he felt his knees give way under him as tears started to cloud his vision. She was here and it was real, but it couldn't be and he couldn't comprehend it.

She knew when he entered the room. Not because she could hear him, he was much to practiced at soundless movement for that. And not because her training had made her more aware of her surroundings, even though that was true. No, she knew when he entered because she felt him, felt him in her spirit, felt his energy as it pulled on hers. But she didn't turn around, she allowed herself to get used to him being there before she turned to actually see him. Her fingers found the notes by themselves and the words started spilling before she was conscious of the fact that she was singing him the same song as she had in the funeral home. A song that had been so painfully accurate for how they had acted turning their time together. Unsure of what to do with their emotions, unsure of how to handle what was growing in between them. When she heard him hit the floor her song grew quiet and she knew she had to see him. An insensible fear filled her and for a second she wished she was anywhere but there in the room with him. Alone with him at a piano with candles setting the lightning. Every fibre of her soul and body was vibrating with anticipation and in time she turned around. She found him on his knees, staring at her as if seeing a ghost. She knew then with certainty that he had believed her dead and that hurt so much. But he had not forgotten her, as much was also clear. She looked at him, took him in but avoided seeing him straight in the eyes. She wasn't quite ready for that just yet. His hair was longer and she was surprised to find that she liked it. His half long tresses had always made it itch in her fingers to clip them but now it was past the awkward stage and his hair was long and she wanted to run her hands through it. He was somewhat older but looked less haggard, as if life here had been good to him. When her eyes meet his she wasn't surprised to see that they were filled with tears, what surprised her was the emotions it awoke in her. As if all the hurts that had happened her since last she saw him came at her in one powerful wave. She felt herself start to shake with pain and lose. She started to cry in a way she had never done through it all, 3.5 years of suppressed emotions came rushing up. But when looking at him she could hold nothing back. He looked at her and saw her, really saw her and that was her undoing. She took five wobbly steps and threw herself into his arms, tears streaming down her face and shaking her body as he held her tight and she was finally safe. She cried until she ran out of tears and then she just laid in his arms. He sat on the floor with her in his arms and none of them spoke a word. Beth feel asleep feeling like the world was right again, like she could relax, if even just for one night. Daryl held her not believing that he was so lucky, afraid to fall asleep in case he would wake up to find it all a dream. But eventually he dozed off, still holding her.


	11. Chapter 10

**Sorry for not having updated in forever. Had a case of writers block after they finally had their reunion, didn't know how to continue. So it took quite a couple of bottles of wine to find my muse again ;) Hope you enjoy this chapter. Please review!**

Chapter 10

Her soft hair fell in a tumble over his arm, her cheek rested against his chest, her whole body nestled into his in a perfect fit. He allowed himself to sink his face into that delicious swell of hair and breath in the scent that was all her. She was there, finally… and then she started slipping. As if she was suddenly water, she started to slip between his fingers. Panic filled him, she was finally there and then he couldn't hold onto her. He tried so hard, flexed his muscles and tried to grab her with all that he was.

She was lulling in a soft space of happiness and warmth, it was a non-precis place where everything was just good. Then suddenly he pulled her towards him, she found herself pressed against his body. He forced himself into her space, his touch was everywhere, and it didn't allow her to breath or even exist. He was everywhere and she needed to escape his dominance, break free of his oppression. She used all of her strength and pushed as hard as she could away from his forceful embrace.

She fell back onto the floor and pushed away from him before she even opened her eyes to the light of the real world. The adrenaline of the nightmare was still pounding through her veins as she looked up on him. There he was, not in the surreal candle light of the evening, but in the cold light of the morning. Grey streaked his brown hair and the wrinkles were only all too real around his eyes. Yet the look in those eyes still held her sway, just has it had in her dreams for the last 3 years. Now those very eyes were filled with pain and fear and she saw it all before his guard had time to go up. She saw the brutal vulnerability that was Daryl's love. It was both fierce and beautiful and surprisingly soft. It made her own reaction feel stupid. Why had she pulled back from him so? He had not been a treat to her. Memory had filled her with fear but that had not been his fault. She should not have pulled away. Suddenly she felt naked, as if her actions had revealed what had happened to her. She wanted to tell him, but she wanted to tell him on her own terms. Not for him to just look at her and know. It made her suddenly angry and self-defensive. It made her feel weak and she didn't want him to think her weak. She thought of how she had cried in his arms the night before and suddenly she regretted it. She wanted desperately for him to respect her, not see her as a helpless victim. She looked away from his blue eyes, anger and shame washing through her at equal speed.

He was torn from his dream as she pulled free of his harsh embrace. He looked at her and saw pain, fear and confusion. She was beautiful even in the cold light of morning. But she also looked soft and vulnerable. He looked at her in those initial seconds, at the way her face twisted in pain and anger, and he knew how much he had failed her. Holding her close to him had awoken noting but fear and revulsion in her. He knew then that he needed to stay away from her, no matter what he felt for her. She had been badly damaged, and it was ultimately his fault. He should have protected her, he hadn't and this pain that he saw in her eyes, that pain was his payment. He looked down and away, he no longer could stand to see his own guilt reflected in her face.

Whether they were interrupted or saved by Michelle's entrance into the room was hard to say. But there she was anyway, clearing her throat in disapproval at whatever it was she believed herself seeing.

'Beth, you okay? Did he hurt you?' she said, her voice cold and angry but with a fine inlay of fear.

'No… no, I'm fine. We… we just feel asleep and I… had a nightmare. I'm fine, all is good.' she turned away from the piercing blue eyes that seemed to see to her core and turned to Michelle instead.

'Is all good?" she asked in an attempt to turn attention from herself. She didn't feel up for more scrutiny, after all she was far from sure of her own feelings and so she didn't feel like having them examined by someone else.

'I just came down to see about breakfast and I realised we have to be grateful the two of you didn't burn down the house last night. Hope whatever you did was worth putting us all at risk.' With that Michelle turned on her heel and left the room. Beth remembered how it had always been her smile and laugh that had drawn her to Michelle. No the woman was all icy voice and cold edges, and Beth knew no one was to blame but herself. Never had she wished more that she had forced Michelle to stay on the farm, having her here was obviously going to be a problem.

She looked back over at Daryl, wondering to herself, 'what exactly was last night?' She wanted to ask him but was scared to, scared he would shrug his shoulders and walk away from her. Last night she had thrown herself into his embrace with complete trust and she had let all of her hurt out. But now, in the cold light of day, it was not quite so easy. What did she want, what did he want, and what would this world allow them to have?

The night was black and dark but so very peaceful and quiet. She sat next to her sister and that in itself made the evening seem surreal. Every now and then she would reach over to squeeze Maggie's hand. Just to make sure that this was real, that her sister was really there. But each and every time she touched her, Maggie remained real and slowly Beth had to accept that her sister was there and it was real.

'What happened to you?' Maggie's voice was not demanding, it was not the bossy big sister asking the younger. She just asked, quite because she needed to know. But also quite because she had known her own share of abuse. Nothing compared to what Beth had been through, but she knew what helplessness tasted like. "Daryl said you were taken, we couldn't find you….' The quiet grew in the night as Beth tried not to let her bitterness answer back. 'We assumed you were dead… I wish we hadn't. I am sorry.' Beth sat quite for the longest of time, just listening to that last sentence roll around her head. She had never quite understood how much her family's decision to move on had hurt her. The signs from her sister to Glenn, no mention of her name. Realising they were all alive! She had never been happier, but at the same time the twisted pain of knowing they had just left her behind! It had not only hurt, it had been grinding her up. Maggie voicing that little word out right, sorry, it meant a lot to her. After all they were all sorry for something, they all carried their own regrets. If Maggies was big enough to apologies, then she was big enough to forgive. She took a deep breath and tried to decide where to start. But nothing came out, she didn't know how to tell her story of darkness and pain. Didn't know how to tell it to her sister who loved her completely, but maybe she didn't know how to tell it to anyone.

'I… He…He took me and I fought back the best I could and in the end I killed him.' Her voice was rushed and it was one sentence that said all and nothing.

'We killed them all.' Her voice echoed into the empty of the night and she knew without looking at Maggie that it was more than her words that had spoked her sister. It was the way she had said them, without regret, without emotion. She turned her head and meet Maggies eyes, and she knew that she had scared her but as she held her sisters gaze she also saw understanding grow. Maggie remembered the governor's hands as he pushed her down onto that table and his hips as they pushed into her. She had been lucky and he had threatened more than he had executed but she had still been shaken for a long time after. Looking at Beth she knew in her centre that her sister had not been so lucky and she would not be cruel enough to demand details of what she had experienced. She knew Beth had been through shit and she knew that she was still here. That was more than enough to earn not only her love but her respect. She put her arm around Beth's shoulders and hugged her sister.

'It okay Beth, you tell me what you want, when you want. I love you and I know you did a lot to survive. No one is without history anymore. Tell me what you need…' Maggie felt tears spring to her eyes

'I am here for you.' Maggie's words spilled into the darkness and the night hugged the sisters in a blanket of shared comfort. Beth didn't say anything for a long time, in fact she was sure she wouldn't say anything then and there. She just wanted to sit there and enjoy a moment of peace. The words took her by surprise as they left her lips. They were spoken so quietly Maggie wasn't sure at first if she had heard them, Beth almost whispered them to herself but then they grew louder.

'He liked to scare me as much as he like to hurt me, you know I think he got a bigger kick out of seeing me fear him, me anticipating the pain he would cause me than he actually got from hurting me.' She felt Maggie tense up in pain but her sister remained quiet, letting Beth tell her story uninterrupted.

'They were a group of men that took me, he was their leader. I could never decide if I was lucky or unlucky he choose me as his favourite… There was two other girls there with me, but many more had gone before I think. The others were shared among the men but at least they were spared his attentions… We made it out together but Sonya died not long after. She didn't survive what they did to her. They were such bastards! I killed one of them as he raped me and Rina and I…we killed them, we killed them all. There was so much blood, everywhere blood. I killed for the first time that night, but I have killed so many times since then… Sometimes I hardly know myself anymore. ' The words just tumbled out of her, like a river, a flood of information she couldn't stop once she had opened the gates. By the time she realised she was crying both Maggie and her were shaking with pain. Beth had become so good at carrying her pain with shoulders set square and head held high, she forgot that it was still there. But here, with her loved ones around her, with Maggie and Daryl holding her, all that pain came up to the surface to be processed for the first time ever. She could allow herself little moments of vulnerability.

They sat next to each other, Beth shelling peas and Maggie peeling potatoes in the sharp morning light. If she closed her eyes she could almost pretend that this was a picture from the before time, before the world turned ugly and dark and twisted. But it had turned, and she had changed and now was not a picture from the past. It was today, and today they were here, not through luck but through hard work. Hard work and planning had grown these vegetables and work would make them into meals for the people they loved. They were talking and laughing, not about anything special, just two sister talking. Maggie telling her everything about her boy, Beth enjoyed listening to her sister's voice, it was so full of happiness and love as she spoke of her son. The noise of Daryl's motorbike made her look up from her chore. She always loved the way he looked on a bike, the muscles on his arms in full display. He got off the bike and walked over to Rick's office and Beth couldn't help to stare at his ass as his jeans hugged him just right.

'Hallo, earth to Beth! Are you still there?' Maggie waved her hand in front of Beth's face.

'Where did you go to?' Beth looked down at her peas again and cursed her face as she felt it turn a lovely red.

'Oh my god, are you blushing? You like a boy! You always blush when you like someone!' Maggie's voice was triumphant with gleeful joy. She looked down to where Beth had been staring but all she could see was Rick and Daryl standing in the office door talking. Had she missed someone, had he walked away already?

'Who were you looking at, did I miss him? Or her?' Maggie's voice was so full of cheekiness Beth had to look up and punch her shoulder.

'Oh shut up would you!'

'What, don't you like girls too now? All fine by me you know.' She was outright laughing now, finding it hilarious how Beth's face just kept getting redder and redder. Her little sister was still too easy to tease.

'What are you two laughing at?' Daryl's rough voice interrupted Maggie tormenting her little sister.

'Oh Beth has a crush on someone and I am just trying to figure out who it is.' Maggie looked over at Beth but Beth was refusing to look up and was staring down on her boots with such intent you would believe she had never seen them before.

'Hump' Daryl made that non-descript sound that was so very Daryl and looked down at Beth before turning on his heel and walking away. Bloody women, they were hard enough to understand when they were on their own, in group they were completely incomprehensible.

Beth looked up and followed him with her eyes. She wished she could disappear into the ground. Here she was wanting to show Daryl that she had grown up and was his equal now, and then she just sits there and blushes as a school girl! She looked over at Maggie with murder in her eyes.

'What did you have to do that for!' she pushed the bowl of shelled peas away from her and stood up.

'What? Are you shy for Daryl? It is just Daryl…' Maggie's voice trailed off into silence as she watched Beth stomp off and realisation dawned on her. Beth liked Daryl! It seemed incomprehensible, but that seemed to be the case. Maggie had no idea how to feel about that, Beth having a crush on Daryl Dixon seemed odder to her than Beth having a girlfriend. And that had felt pretty odd….


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

He watched her, watched her every movement. Felt like a creep the entire time, why shouldn't he, he was a creep for watching her like this. He had grown up in shitty places, he had seen plenty of creeps in his life, so he knew what a creep was. And he was a creep, right now, right here, he was watching Beth Greene with the perverted obsession reserved for creeps. It was just the way she moved, all purpose and grace. Strength and power. She was wearing some poor excuses of short shorts, a top and bare feet. That was it, didn't leave much to his imagination. And his imagination was doing some pretty bad, creep things. He wanted to walk away and leave her and Michelle to themselves. But for some reasons his feet kept ignoring him, they just stayed rooted there in the shadows. Her left foot planted in the dry soil as her right swung around aiming a strong kick at Michelle solar plexus. It almost looked like she would hit but last second Michelle grabbed Beth's foot and in a move that seem unreal she swung Beth around in the air. His protector instincts kicked in as Beth hit the dirt face down. Michelle straddled her from behind and grabbed her arms, forcing Beth to surrender. Beth's face pulled together with pain as Michelle twisted her arm around, she looked pissed off as she admitted defeat. Michelle had no sooner let go of her arm then Beth pushed off, twisted around and had Michelle pinned to the ground. But Michelle didn't seem to mind, she didn't do much fighting to get Beth off her. Daryl knew with more certainty than ever that he should be moving, being here was so wrong on so many levels. He couldn't hear any of what the girl were saying but he knew it was private, not for him, not for his ears nor eyes. Just then, as he had finally decided to force his legs into obedience she looked up. She didn't search for him, didn't look through the shadows as if she was looking for something she might have heard or felt. No, she looked up and looked him straight in the eyes. And then she smiled, as sexy fucking 'know I got you smile'. And he could no more move as she got up and moved towards him, then he could when he was perving on her like a creep. But now he felt more like the pray then the perpetrator. She walked up to him, still with a little smile on her sweet face.

'I want to get out of dodge for a while. Want to take me hunting? Give me a ride… on your bike?' she left just enough of a moments breath between ride and bike to make his dirty mind do dirty things all over again. He looked down on the ground and wondered if the heat in his face was actually him blushing. What the heck, since when did Beth Greene make Daryl Dixon blush? He looked up at her for a second and nodded with a grunt of assent.

'I'll get my stuff and change my clothes, see you at the front gate.' She said as she walked away. He still watched her as she walked away and when she was no longer to be seen he meet the eyes of Michelle. Never had he known someone hated him with more certainty. But like he said, he had grown up in some bad places, her hating him was something he could deal with.

As Beth walked away from Daryl her heart was pounding with such excitement she wasn't sure what to do with herself. She had never been that forward with anyone, never flirted quite like that before. And it had felt so good to see him respond to her, to know he was at her mercy. She had known he was watching she and Michelle practice fight the whole time, and she had loved it. His eyes on her had burned like fire and made everything feel sharper. It had probably caused her to loose, focusing on something outside of the fight was deadly. But right now adrenaline and excitement was running wild through her veins in a way that made her think of many things, but death wasn't one of them.

She meet him out at the gate, dressed for hunting with her compounding bow over her shoulder. He was already ready to go, straddling the bike as he sat there waiting for her. It almost made her stop and stare, he looked so damn sexy, all biceps and bad boy hair. She took a deep breath and tried to appear casual while her heart was doing summer saults in her chest. Sliding down behind him she put her arms around his waist after adjusting her bow behind her.

'Im ready.' She declared when she had found a comfortable position.

'You are going to have to hold on harder than that girl, or you will end up on the road.' He said before kicking the bike off and ending all attempts of conversation. The wind in her eyes was sharper then she had anticipated so she put her head down to rest between his shoulder blades. Resting her face against those angel wings, smelling that smell of leather, forest, sweat and smoke that was so uniquely Daryl. The memory of that very smell had reminded her of what safety felt like on too many nights, nights when safety had been truly nothing but a memory. Now she reminded herself of how truly blessed she was to be here to smell that smell again, to wrap her arms around his waist and feel his chest rise under her hands. She had a second chance at life, a life that could involve him and her. He reeved the engine a bit more and the bike shot forward under them, causing her to grip a hold harder, feeling a jolt of joy at life.

He tried not to enjoy it too much. The feeling of her arms clutching around him harder every time the bike shot forward, but God he enjoyed it! The feeling of her thighs pressed up against him and her head against his back, it made the day seem like the most beautiful day ever and never had he felt more alive than at this very moment. The sun was shining through the trees about, making the world a canvas of dark and light. Dark and light, him and her.

He wanted to keep on driving forever, just the two of them and the road. But when he came to a good hunting ground he pulled in on a small side road and pulled over.

'I am taking the lead' she said with real confidence. He remembered how he had started teaching her to shot and hunt, and how she would taunt him with these little statements of false bravado. About not needing him anymore, about being better at this than him. Now he watched her move with silent grace through the forest, watched her pick up trails and follow them with practiced skill. He still just followed her without a word as she spotted a rabbit, pulled her bow and shot a perfect arrow straight through the animal. She had enormous skill and he could appreciate better than anyone the kind of practise that she had to put in to get there. The words left his lips before he had time to think them through and he straight away knew they were the wrong ones.

'I'm sorry you had to change.' She stopped still and didn't say anything for a moment that felt like an eternity. The sunny day suddenly turned to ice.

'What do you mean?' she knew in her heart that he didn't mean anything bad, but the words still upset her. Upset her more then was warranted probably, but she had gone through so much to be here, change hadn't been free but she didn't regret it. She too was made for this world now. 'Are you sorry I am not the sweet little girl anymore? Are you sorry I don't need anyone to take care of me anymore?'

'No..'

'What do you mean then?' She turned to face him with her anger.

'Saying you didn't want me to change is the same as saying you didn't want me to live!' she yelled at him. 'I am here BECAUSE I changed. I'm sorry if I no longer fit your fairy tale version of me! But I am alive, I made it!' She turned to stalk away from him, but he grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her around to face him once again. She wasn't the only one who was angry now.

'Really? Fucking fairy tales? You think I was ever the guy to dream of fairy tales? You think I am not happy you are alive? I believed you dead… I thought…" He was just as angry as she was by now, he wanted to hurt her, hurt her like she hurt him. Hurt her like he had hurt when she was gone. And he wanted her to stop being angry so he could fold her in his arms and protect her forever. But none of those were real options. He didn't actually want to hurt her, he just desperately wanted to break through the pig headed anger of hers. But he also knew he never could, nor really wanted to, hold her away from the world. He wanted an equal, and he was starting to realise that that was what she was now. He just didn't know how to deal with that. Didn't know how to deal with her, deal with them and all of his emotions. There were just so many uncertainties between them, an ocean of unspoken truths.

'I don't know, why else would you say that? You knew how much I wanted to change, you knew more than anyone! And you don't even appreciate that I have made it!' she raised her hands to push him away and he grabbed her hands, pulling him flush to him.

'What the fuck are you on about? Of course I fucking do, you think I'm stupid? Think I can't see how you fight, how you hold yourself, how you hunt? I just wish…' I wish I could have protected you, I wish you didn't end up in that house where they did god knows what to you, he thought in his head. But he didn't say it, no matter how angry he was with her he didn't have it in his heart to tell her he had found her things in that burned down house. He wouldn't force any confessions out of her, and he wasn't sure he was ready to hear them either. 'I wish it could have been different is all' he finished weakly, voice almost breaking under the emotional strain. She didn't say anything, just stared back at him with her big blue eyes that seemed to still hold both anger and hurt. And something else, something that almost broke him.

He suddenly became aware of her body pressed against his as he held her hands down straight against his sides. Her chest rising quick, her wrists that felt so small and fragile in his hands, her nipples hard trough her shirt. He wanted to throw her to the ground and run his hands all over her strong body. But instead he let go of her and walked away. He grabbed his bow and headed back to the bike. The return ride to Alexandria felt like the opposite of the ride there. He didn't tease her with the speed and she didn't rest her head on his back. Instead she sat stiff behind him, even though it made the ride more uncomfortable for both of them. But when they came back to Alexandria none of them stormed off. Instead they sat in silence on the bike, both waiting for the other to make the first move. Beth didn't want to be the first to speak, but she had a feeling Daryl could sit there in silence forever, and she didn't want to walk off and leave things like this between them either. Life was too short to waste it on arguments and misunderstandings. She took a deep breath and started speaking before she had too much time to think about what she was actually going to say.

'It wasn't your fault, that I was taken, it wasn't your fault.' She felt him stiffen up in front of her and for a second she worried that she had just made it all worse. But then he deflated instead.

'Yeah it was, was my fault.' He still didn't' look at her as he spoke. 'So many things I should have done different... Should have taken my bow, should have checked the door, could have sent you upstairs to hide and not out alone in the night when you could hardly walk. It was my fault Beth.' His voice held conviction but no heat, as if the sheer weight of his belief had already crushed him. Her heart broke for him, for the pain she so clearly heard there.

'We never bear sole responsibility for anything Daryl. I should have checked better where I was going, I ran out into the night without looking ahead properly, I walked straight into danger.' Slowly and carefully she laid her hands on his shoulders and her head on his back again.

'You know, it was hard to change. But I don't miss who I was, I like who I am now, like her better.' She felt his hand come up and slowly wrap around her hands. His head touching hers as he leaned it back. They had a long way to go but they were at least walking in the right direction. They sat like that in silence for a long time. Just enjoying the quiet companionship, resting in the presence of the other.

Eventually Beth got of the bike and Daryl asked her if she needed any help skinning that rabbit, to which she laughingly replied that she could probably take him in a rabbit skinning competition any day. He watch her starting to walk away when he spoke, just loud enough for her to hear.

'You are good you know. With that bow. Hunting, tracking. Real good.' She half turned her head to look at him as she replied, 'I know', and smiled that smile that make his stomach twist and put all the hurt to rest at the same time.

Michelle sat on the veranda cleaning her gun and watching Beth and Daryl. It itched in her fingers not to put ammo into the gun, lift it and shot him. Coming here had been a mistake. Beth had always been straight with her, what they had had been built on friendship, mutual attraction and a need for closeness. But it had never been love. At least not from Beth's part. Michelle has always know this but her heart had continued to hope against hope. When Beth's family had turned out to be alive and well after so long she had decided to come along. Because she couldn't' face letting Beth just walk out of her life, but also because she hoped that Beth would come here and realise that Michelle was really the one. That even though Beth had spoken about Daryl for the last 3 years in a way that only the deaf could misunderstand, she would see him and realise it had all just been a fantasy. That what she and Michelle had was real and true. Well, her plan had failed, and instead she had a first parquet seat to watch her lover slowly fall in love with someone else. And it sucked, it sucked and it hurt.

A slender woman with short silver hair came up the stairs onto the veranda and sat down in the seat next to Michelle. Together they watched as Beth and Daryl spoke quietly to one another, still half hugging on the bike.

'I am Carol.' The woman offered after a while.

'I'm Michelle, I came with Beth from our camp.' Carol just nodded as if she knew their whole story, which she probably did. She seemed like the quiet but observant type.

'It hurts, to be the one not chosen.' She suddenly looked at Michelle with her eyes of steel. 'And we are the ones not chosen. At least not in this love story.' She let go of Michelle and turned her gaze on Daryl and Beth once again. 'I used to hope he would come around. I hoped for years. I mean, it was always supposed to be him and me. Then we get separated and after a short time alone with her he had changed so much. Suddenly he had grown into the man I had tried so hard to make him into. I tried to hate her for it. Like she stole him away from me. But truth is she didn't. She just did something I never could. And so he does for her. Whatever you have done and meant for her, it is over. Let her go to be with him. You are the only one who will hurt otherwise.' With that the woman got up and left, just as abruptly as she had come. Michelle couldn't help to hate her a little bit too. Hate her because she knew Carol was right. She had to leave, because staying to watch this drama unfold would kill her.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Rina was with her, running through the forest, chasing cattle. She ran slightly ahead of Beth, brown hair flowing free in the wind, her mouth open and laughing with joy. The sun shone through the leaves, making the world a beautiful pattern of light and dark. It all felt light and easy, the world for once being kind, embracing the girls with love after all the pain.

A man's arm came out of nowhere, grabbing Rina around the shoulders. Beth was still running towards her but suddenly she seemed so far away. Beth tried to make her legs move faster, move towards her friend, but they felt so heavy, so slow, she couldn't get there in time. Her legs felt like lead and the air was thick like mud. The man laughed as he cut Rina's throat, cut it through so that blood spurted everywhere. Nick laughed as Beth screamed in pain, as Rina sank to the floor, convulsing in pain, the ground around her turning red. Beth finally reached her friend, trying to stem the blood with her hands but the blood kept flowing, unencumbered by her efforts. Her friend chocking on her own blood as Beth looked on, helpless as ever. All her studies of medicine, both new and old, was useless as her only true friend died in her arms. Rina, who was the only one who could truly understand what Beth had been through, the only one Beth could look at and understand without words, her true sister. She was drowning in her own blood and Beth felt like she was drowning too. A sorrow so all-encompassing it made it hard to take even one breath, let alone keep breathing, washed over her. It was like a psychical blanket, a grief so deep it was no longer just an emotion, it was a body pain too.

She finally broke through from the dream, sputtering for air, the memory of blood, blood and blood still on her. She came up to the surface of reality and took deep gulps of air. But while the fresh night air might let her know that the dream was only a dream, it also reminded her that Rina was truly dead. Beth curled on her side and cried in pain, cried in her safe bed for the fact that nothing was truly safe and that her best friend was gone forever.

She eventually feel asleep again and did not dream any more. When she woke the sun was already high in the sky and her head was pounding as if she had spent the night before drinking. She felt sad through to the bone, dreams like the one last night didn't plague her often but when they did it was bad. She hated them more than the ones of only Nick. The ones of blood, killing and worst of all, Rina dying, where the ones that tore at her soul. She walked downstairs, refusing breakfast and stepped outside into the organised world of Alexandria. She loved how far they had all come. But on mornings like this, when the hurt and pain felt too fresh to touch, she couldn't quiet stand it. She walked out into the glaring sunlight and first laid eyes on Daryl and Michelle glaring at each other. Daryl looked at her with a concern that she could not cope with. She didn't want his concern, worry or understanding. She felt the anger and hurt simmer in an ocean of sadness and she knew only one way to get out of that mood. So she turned away from Daryl and looked at Michelle. Michelle meet her eyes and knew instantly what was amiss. She had slept next to Beth enough nights to know she had had a nightmare. She had also spent enough days with her to know there was only one cure for the pain she saw in Beth eyes. Michelle just nodded her assent, indicating with a nod of her head that they should go to the practicing field. On days like today Beth felt her pain as a physical presence and there was no talking it out, it was too intense to just let it simmer and too angry to soften with a hug. Once they were in the relative privacy of the practice and training field she started to take her weapons and coat of. She even let Beth have the first hit, ignoring Daryl's concerned outcry as they girls laid into each other. When they practice fought it was all about honing skill but now it was just about getting feelings out; anger, hurt and fear more to the point. They both fought each other with more force than usual, not holding back, not worrying about hurting each other. Beth wanted to hurt herself as much as she wanted to hurt someone else. Michelle understood and was happy to be there for her, she had her own demons to exorcise from time to time. And truth be told she also wanted to hurt Beth. Hurt this girl that she loved so much but who would not love her back, hurt her for the pain it caused her to see Beth fall in love with someone else. Beth's rejection of her love made her angry and so she was more than happy to let Beth work out her own pain with a fist fight. Once Beth had worked out all her sad and angry energy the girls laid in each other's arms on the ground, crying and laughing, but mostly crying. They clung to each other, tasting the others blood and tears as they kisses in the dirt. They were not aware of quite how many people were watching. Daryl felt like he finally understood that Beth now carried similar demons to himself. He had known a long time that she was strong but now he saw that she may be damaged but not broken. She would never give up and she would fight this world with all that she had.

Maggie wept, because she saw something she had never seen in her sister before. And she was happy she saw it, she saw that core of steel that all women of this time must have. But she still wept for her soft and naïve sister, a sister that clearly was no more. Seeing Beth fight with angry frustration, clearly to overcome bad memories was a rough reminder of how much her sister had had to change.

'Come on, let's give them some privacy.' Ricks voice penetrated her thoughts as his arm around her shoulder pulled her away from the scene. Most people started to feel that staying was to impede on something raw and private and they started to leave. Daryl was the last to leave as he just couldn't make himself walk away from Beth when she was so clearly in pain. But he also felt like he was intruding, after all she hadn't turned to him. Now she laid with her head on the other woman's chest and he felt more insecure about her emotions then ever. He knew he was hopelessly in love with Beth, and had been for many years regardless of their separation. But what about her? Sometimes he was sure she felt the same, but then she so clearly had this connection to this woman. He finally forced himself to leave before he was asked to, as usual taking refuge by grabbing his cross bow and jumping on the bike. He needed some space to clear his head.

Beth rolled off Michelle's chest and laid on the ground watching the clouds chase each other across the sky. Her ribs hurt, she had a split lip and her knuckled were bruised and bleeding but she still felt so much better for it. Michelle was the first to break the silence.

'I will be leaving for the farm tomorrow morning, I have already packed my things and will just ask Carol for some food supplies for the trip.' Beth didn't respond but just nodded. She had known that this moment must come and she wasn't going to try and stop her friend.

'Is there any messages you want me to bring back to the council? What do you want us to do with the herb garden?'

'Sam can care for it in my absence, he knows what is what and mostly what it is for. I will come down in a while to help harvest them, dry and make tinctures. I will want to take seeds so I can start something similar here.'

'So you will stay here then, this is your home now?' Michelle tried but couldn't quite stop the bitterness from showing in her voice. She was glad none of them were looking at each other. She didn't want Beth to see her face right now.

'I don't know, I think so but… truth be told, I don't know. But this is where I need to be right now.' They were both silent for some time before Beth spoke again. Her voice was quiet and small but so full of emotion.

'I will miss you. You are my best friend.'

'I will miss you too. But as much as you need to be here right now, just as much do I need to NOT be here.' Beth just nodded again and when Michelle got up and left she didn't try to stop her, she didn't even follow her with her eyes. Instead she stayed there, laying on the ground watching the clouds carelessly chase each other across the sky.

With Michelle gone it made it easier for Beth to fit in to Alexandria but it also made it temptingly easy to just slide back into old habits. Yet Beth knew in her heart that she was a grownup woman and even if her family wanted to try and coddle her a bit that didn't change anything. Beth knew that she could take care of herself and that she was a valuable addition to any group. As days became weeks she started noticing a change in the way her family treated her too. They actually asked her advice and included her in the running and planning of Alexandria. It was impressive, not just was Alexandria a fully functioning community on its own, but they were part of a group of communities trading and working together. Beth wanted to make the farm part of that arraignment, even if they were far away, they couldn't stay isolated forever. There was after all strength in numbers and being strong could never be underestimated.

Beth soon found her own place in the community in the infirmary. They had a trained nurse in Alexandria and Hill Top had a doctor but no one seemed to have taken much of an interest in herbal medicine and as a result they were becoming increasingly limited in what they could do. Pharmaceuticals were running short, most of what was left was spoilt and soon they would be all gone. Beth found her knowledge come in handy and in return learnt much about how to set bones, saw wounds together neatly and how to relocate a shoulder, among other things.

She sat down next to her sister at lunch and took little Hershel off Maggies lap so her sister could eat in peace. Every child seemed like a magical wonder nowadays and having her very own nephew in her arms was even more so.

'You remind me more and more of him every day you know' Maggie said as she watched her younger sister with her son.

''Who?'

'Daddy. You are more and more like him. Kind and caring but strong. Everyone has changed since the end but not everyone changed for the better. It takes a special type of person to go through what you have been through and come out a better and stronger person for it. Glenn is the same. So is Daryl you know.'

Beth flinched at her sister talking about Daryl. They had been avoid each other for a while now and even though Beth itched to reach out to him she didn't know how. So she ignored her sister trying to bring up what was with her and Daryl and instead pulled on another thread of her statement.

'I'm not just good you know. I have killed people, many of them, shot some of them in the back.' Maggie was quiet as she digested this new information.

'Was any of them innocent?' she finally asked.

'No.' Beth's voice was steady as she answered without hesitation.

'Then you only did what you had to do. I have killed people too, more than I like to think of. No-one can get by and keep their hands clean anymore.' Maggie looked at her son, he was so pure and innocent now and she knew that she would do absolutely everything and anything to keep him safe. And one day when he was old enough she would teach him how to survive, because innocence didn't keep you alive.

In the end it was the infirmary that brought Beth and Daryl back together. Daryl went out hunting as usual one morning and when the sky was turning pink that evening and he still wasn't back Beth's nerves were in a tangle. She knew he could take care of himself, she knew he had been gone overnight many times before but he normally planned to do so before hand. He hadn't said anything about staying overnight to anyone and her gut was telling her something was off. She tried to convince Rick to let her take a car and go looking for him but with the light disappearing fast the leader wasn't willing to risk it. He told her what she already knew, that this was Daryl they were talking about, but the feeling in her stomach wouldn't go away. But she stayed put anyway, spending the night on guard as she knew she wouldn't sleep anyway. When dawn finally came and Daryl still wasn't back she grabbed a Ute and told everyone she was going looking for Daryl. Glenn had joined his wife and child in Alexandria so he and Michonne came along in the car. They drove to all of Daryl's usual hunting spots and on the third one they finally struck gold. His bike was only just visible where he had hid it among the bushes. Beth didn't waste any time, she jumped out of the car and started tracking. He was a good hunter and following his tracks wasn't easy but she was a good tracker herself and soon it was made easier by finding what Daryl had probably been following. Wild pig tracks were easy to follow but it also made that knot in her belly even tighter. A big boar could be very dangerous if not killed immediately. When she smelled the dead she threw all caution to the wind and ran towards the smell.

'Please don't be dead, please don't be dead' she whispered to herself over and over again. As she saw a group of walkers feeding on something on the ground, with Daryl's cross bow lying discarded on the ground, she almost lost it. She had killed half of the walkers before she realized they were feeding on a pig's carcase and not a human. She desperately looked around for Daryl or traces of where he could have gone off to. He must be hurt or he wouldn't have left his cross bow behind. Bloody track lead away from the pig and a little further away she saw another four walkers surrounding a tree. As her eyes follower the stem she almost burst into tears of relief as she saw Daryl's form safe up in the tree. All three ran to the tree and after quickly dispersing of the undead they got Daryl's unconscious body down onto the ground. He had a nasty, deep gash along his left thigh from where the boar had slashed it. He had lost a lot of blood but luckily no major arteries had been severed or he would have bleed out during the night. He had used a dirty rag to make a crude bandage and Beth left it in place until they came back to Alexandria where she would be able to do more. Glenn and Michonne carried Daryl's body back to the car while Beth followed with his cross bow. She was grateful they had found him alive but scared by the severity of his injury. He had suffered serious blood loose, hypothermia during the early autumn night and there was a very real risk of infection from the wound. They needed to get back to Alexandria and quick.

 **Sorry for the cliff hanger, will really try to update soon even though life is a bit crazy.**


End file.
